Waiting...

The past 24 hours I have had this knot in my stomach. It gets worse as each hour passes & no call from him.

Everyone keeps saying maybe he needs time to process, to think of what to say, maybe he is trying to "show" you.... My gut is saying, he doesn't care. He is out, getting drunk, acting like a single with no care in the world. My gut feels that a big F*ck her is or has already left his mouth.

I am not innocent in this, I am not saying I am without flaws, but when & if, which was rare, he would point out something that annoyed him, or upset him, I would immediately do what I could within my power to try to correct it or not do it.

I feel like my words constantly fell upon deaf ears... Like he saw my mouth moving but had such a skill of actually tuning out what I would say, that he would yes me to death in hopes of getting me to shut up, so he could go back to what he was doing.

I am crawling out of my skin right now, waiting, wondering, waiting, because this waiting period is going to decide the rest of 4 people's lives directly..... Really the ball is in his court & I am waiting to see what his move is. I had to leave this up to him, I make every other decision in ours lives without him ever helping, I needed him as the man, to decide our future.

I can't be the only one to care. I can't be the only one who loves. I can't continue to be in my marriage alone. It is the worst feeling to be married & be lonely constantly.... All I ever asked of him was to love me, to talk with me, to show affection every now & then, to respect me, to work as a team rather than opposing forces, to remember birthdays & holidays. Stuff that normally comes natural to most people, especially if they are in love or care for someone. All I ever wanted from him was to feel loved & on a very random occasion, maybe even a little special.