It can all change in the blink of an eye.....

** This blog has to do with Me & Patrick. It is real, it is honest, it something I need to get off my chest. If you are going to get mad at me over it please dont read it, but it is MY life & I am free to talk about it & right now I need to talk about it**


What would you do if the person you love, your husband, you child's father, hesitated when prompted with the question "Are you in love with me?"

This was our house last night. An argument ensued over the lack of respect for me. The going out every night after work & staying out till all hours of the night without calling. The coming home drunk on occasion, the lack of help in the house & with the kids. The way I am "spoken" to on a daily basis.The lack of affection, conversation & whatever else I am hurting about.

I am good at putting on a smile, I am good at hiding & being a show pony in front of other people. I am good at waiting.... Unfortunately I have become a pro at the waiting over the course of my life. Waiting for people to do the right thing, waiting for people to realize, waiting for everything.

The hesitation was followed by the MOST devastating comment I have ever heard..... " I thought you were going to make between 60 & 80 grand a year. You don't, I would have found someone who did & fell in love with her eventually.I would probably be better off without you, you are a burden & a headache. You COST too much money"

Let me clarify exactly how much $ I cost. I buy groceries once a month. This excludes formula & diapers. I buy all the paper products, cleaning, detergents, shampoo & tolietries, as well as meat, & food.... ONCE A MONTH $300.00. I do have to spend around 25 a week on formula & 20 every 2 weeks on diapers. I also have to buy fruits every 2 weeks for Lissi cause they GO BAD!
I pay the cable, phone, electric, car ins, propane & try TRY to pay off one or two of our old bills which were accumulated prior to our meeting a month, in order to achieve this dream of home ownership. I fill up my car once a week for $52.00 & yes I buy cigarettes daily. I dont however purchase clothes, makeup shoes, bags, eat out, get hair nails or toes done, I dont get my eyebrows done, I buy the kids clothes at a consignment shop if & when I buy them something. I dont take them anywhere that costs any money & maybe every 2 months I will drive home to see MY family & MY friends for a weekend for the total trip costing $70.50, because lord knows the guilt I have if I even dare spend $20 to go out with my friends.

But it is ok to come home on payday with a paystub that says $952.00 but with only $160.00 in your pocket then wonder why we cant pay the bills? COME ON!

Money..... My least favorite topic, the ruin of all relationships. ALL OF THEM. Some because I made too much, now it's because HE told me to STAY home & now that I don't bring anything to the table, he fell out of love.

But its not like I didn't know. I knew he fell out of love a loooong time ago. You know a man loves you when he looks at you, you can see it in his eyes, you know by his touch, his way of showing his affection, little glances he gives you when he thinks no one is looking. I believe it or not had this once, so I am saying this from experience. I was just waiting, hoping he would see me for me & realize. But I was never a person that he loved. I was just a paycheck towards the life he wants that he loved. He loved my "earning potential" as he put it.

I have been the blame for everything, he refuses to blame himself, its not his drinking, or his excessive spending & not explaining where the money went.. that leads to us having "NOTHING" as he puts it. It is always me, I bought too much groceries, I paid too many bills, I smoke too much. If he could he would blame me smoking for his entire reason as why he has no money. Never mind that he smokes too & drinks. His high school diploma is better than mine. His job ( that I got him through a friend) makes him better than me.

Do you know what it is like to be told you are nothing & worthless on a daily basis by your own husband? Do you know what is like to be lonely in a marriage? Do you know what it does to you to give up every part of your identity in hopes that he will love you... You become so far removed from yourself, that you cant even decipher who you really are anymore. Do you know what it feels like to sit in a house day after day & not talk. Hours & hours can pass with no words leaving your mouth.

At some point, I was crying last night & said "Tell me to leave, if you are that miserable tell me to go, I love you Patrick so I am not going to walk away, but if you tell me to go what choice do I have."

This was followed by... No, because how would that look. I am not giving you money every week like I do Laura. You go if you want, but I am not going to tell you to leave, because then I will look like the dick. But if you leave you leave with nothing because you are NOTHING. If you take that truck I will hire polish kids to come there & smash out every window & slash every tire, & make that car so it will never drive again. You take the blue car because you are a piece of shit so you should drive a piece of shit.

I don't know, I needed to vent. It kills me because if the marriage ends, I lose so much.... Not only do I lose Pat, but his family, his daughter, the friends I have here. I stand to lose everything, emotionally.... & I feel like I already have. My heart hurts so bad right now.