Reality...

Yesterday had proven to be one of the hardest days of my life yet.

I had an argument with myself the whole day as to whether or not I was doing the right thing.
As I packed I argued, as I cleaned the house one last time I argued, as I packed the car up I was in an all out war with myself. Driving to my in laws to say goodbye & drop off the dogs food, I was on the verge of tears. As I walked out of their house I lost all composer. Something I had tried all day to maintain in order to prove to myself that I was doing the right thing. After losing all my composer I head to Hope's house.

This is the part that really sucks for me.... I finally, after living here for 2 years found a friend, a good, close friend who I actually had alot in common with & could easily talk to. I believe she feels the same about me. She also has a daughter that Alyssa has become best friends with, so this is hard on both of us. So I walked into her house just to give her a hug & ask her once more if she thinks I am doing the right thing.

As I pulled out my driveway yesterday I remember looking into my rear view mirror at my house, a house I just turned into a home for us, hoping that this would be his wake up call. Hoping that I was wrong & that he did love me enough, love himself enough & love the kids enough, & that we would all be home soon. As that thought passed through my head I found myself choking down that lump that sadness always brings to your throat.


It was the longest ride of my life yesterday. A ride that I had made a million times it seems, but this one was different. This wasn't a social visit with the family, it wasn't for a weekend of fun with friends. This trip could possibly change my life as I know it forever. That is the thought that accompanied me the whole ride. Should I turn around.... I could make it back before he gets home & he would never know. What if I did & he didn't come home till late, then it would just prove that I should have left & I wasn't making a mistake.

Once here I was immediately greeted with the faces I knew I was needing to give me comfort, guidance ( though maybe they aren't the best for guidance since of course they are biased, I came to realize)but love, a few jokes & just noise to override the thoughts in my head.

After sitting around talking for a little, I knew it was time to bring my stuff in the house. I hadn't done this right away in case I had changed my mind & wanted to go home. But I knew I had to, it was now 9pm & he had yet to call , almost 3 hours after he was supposed to be home from work.

11pm.... No call, the baby was still awake, due to her new surroundings, the dog needed a walk, Lissi was restless, & I needed to just breathe some fresh air, sooo I did something I long to do everyday while living in Westbrookville. I put the baby in the carriage, Lissi on her scooter, the dog on the leash & walked, and walked and walked, like I was trying to walk off all thoughts cluttering my mind.

Taylor loved the the cool breeze & all the houses & lights to look at, Lissi was happy to ride her scooter over the bumps in the sidewalk & without having to stop every 3 feet for cars coming up the road & Brutus was like a little sniffing sleuth following the millions of trails from all the other dogs who had walked the streets before him. I was just walking, thinking, this is all I wanted from him, just to walk with me, just to spend time with me enjoying the simple things in life, just to hold my hand & adore the family we created & be happy with that. He should be with me. He should be here. Why can't this be enough for him to be happy, why doesn't he love me enough...
Why Why why why why....... Why hasn't he called? Does he even care?

I went to bed last night after getting Taylor off to sleep, Lissi settled & grabbing my "boy" Bruttie, All of us in a 10x10 room, with tears in my eyes, I quietly whispered into the air as if my husband could hear me... I love you Patrick, Good night.