Oh Mr.Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, where the hell are you?

Lately the only thing getting me through the day is thinking, as Annie would sing.... The sun will come out TOMORROW, which is then usually followed by or maybe the day after... My body is aching for SUN!! I need to feel it on my face! WHERE ARE YOU SUMMER????? The thought of the beach, bbq's, parties with the family, seeing my chicas.... seems still so far away with this weather. I can't take much more of the dark & dreary that this weather continues to bring. I need HEAT! I just want to pack up & the car & head to the city already.

I should be here at Robert Moses with a blanket, oil, cooler, my NB & Meggers. Just laying, soaked in sun & salt water, taking a detour to the lighthouse & waiting on an endless line for nasty soggy fries, that we continue to buy every time....

Something to think about

Sorry I haven't written lately, I just haven't felt up to it.... But I did just receive this email of a column someone wrote of the 45 things life has taught her... I enjoyed it so I thought I would share....

1. Life isn't fair , but it's still good.
2. When in doubt , just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate , resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret , you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful , beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life , don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles , use the nice sheets , wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare , then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. You can't make someone love you & you probably can't change them.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is , it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is , not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel , get up , dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow , but it's still a gift."

Limits

Have you ever reached your limit?

Whether it be a limit of bullshit, drama, excuses, irrationality.. Whatever, but you know just when you feel like you are about to snap. Because you have let someone into your life that just pushes & pushes .... Eventually you will reach the edge.

At first you keep your mouth shut, thinking this will blow over, then you start to voice how you feel but it goes ignored, then you start to really give warnings that they are coming dangerously close to your limit... You threaten to abandon the relationship, which ever sort of relationship you hold with this person, but that is ignored..... Then it goes from being tolerable, to you just want out. You don't care how or why, but you have put up with enough, you have been selfless enough, you have taken enough "abuse". You feel like if you have to deal with this situation for another second you are going to go somewhere dark & scary in your head that you don't ever want to be. I have been to this "place" before, its not pretty.

How much of yourself can you give to another person before YOU disappear? How much can one person take without ever giving anything back? I just cant anymore... It is becoming too much for me.....

Breathe.......

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...

I feel like 20 million pounds have been lifted. After a very stressful 2 weeks of not knowing where or if we would have a place to move to... We DO! We signed a rental agreement last night for a lovely 3 bedroom home. It is month to month so we can leave at anytime if we should find something a little closer to the area we want to be in! Though the thought of packing again if it's not for a house we own makes me want to scream, so let's say I wont be looking too hard over the summer!

So today we are packed & we will be moving on out of here... I will miss this house. I loved this house. I just hated the drama this house brought with psycho bitch aka the landlord.

I can't wait to plant a little garden, have a little bbq, set a room for Taylor.... All very exciting!

So I will write & post pics once we are settled.... Until then... Take a deep breath, everything really does work out in the end, sometimes you just have to sweat it out till the last minute!

It's just stuff....

That's what Oprah said... Just stuff.. We all need to simplify...

Lately Oprah has become my guru. Leave to a woman who has everything & nobody... LOL.

I went to a consignment shop the other day & made my first second hand purchase. With this I felt torn. I was ashamed that I lost part of me who never cared how much something cost, cause I did, then I also felt guilt. Guilt for spending money at all.

I have so much guilt when it comes to spending any money lately that I even found myself in conflict with myself, trying to justify spending the money on the $3.00 outfits that I was purchasing for my kids. Clothes that were in like new condition, mostly name brand, that was a fraction of the retail cost. I only spent $40 in total & got Alyssa & Taylor basically a whole summer wardrobe each. But it ate away at me the whole way home that I spent that $40.00, it eats at me still. I think it is because of my former " problem" with spending out of control.

I know thanks to therapy that because in my childhood I never felt like I had nice things.. (trust me I know I always had enough) but I never had what the other kids had because we didn't have the money. I always wanted more, I always wanted name brands, $4.00 socks from the Gap. So once I had my own $ I made sure I had everything I wanted. I shopped, I was an addict, I had an addiction, some call it a shopping addiction, I call it a lifestyle addiction fueled by jealously.

Now had I been responsible & patient, I would have been able to have it "ALL" in moderation, in time. In time..... that was never good enough for me. I HAD to have it then, right that second and after right that second when I HAD what it was that I could NOT live without, I was onto the next thing... Nothing made me happy... Nothing satisfied, nothing made me feel whole or equal which is what I was trying to do with this....I still never felt good enough or equal to my friends, though I usually had more than they could ever want, but it still wasn't good enough.

Now mix that with a child, another addict to which I was the responsible addict, bills & an apartment... It was a downward spiral. Luckily I was never credit card happy... I was a cash person, I still am. I always worked & I worked hard to make a name for myself in the industry I love to insure that Alyssa was taken care of.

When I would stop for a minute I would realize. That is when I would put money away & towards the end I was pretty good, but one addicts recovery is another's pot of gold... Let's just leave it at that & though reality had sort of hit me in the face about a year before the life altering move... Addictions of a human habit I had... Guess who... Left me with nothing.

I know this post is going to be all over the place but bare with me, I have alot of emotions pent up about non-sense.

So upon moving here I was still trying to be Elena from Massapequa... But now I am Elena the frugal. Do I miss my former self & the luxuries I allowed myself.. Some of it, but do I now have the knowledge to know that I would never have been happy & I am equally as happy finding ways to save money.. YES!!!

So that brings me to this morning.. I don't know where the above came from, that was not my intent when I sat down to start this, but out it came so there you have it.

This morning I was packing up for the move in 10 days to the location of I have no clue because we still don't have one... but that is besides the point.

I was going through my closet... Thinking what could I drop off at the consignment shop so I can make a little money. As I was placing items on the bed I could tell you exactly where I bought it, how much it cost, who I was with, where I wore it to ( usually an outfit was bought for a Friday or Saturday night). I had pile of almost 20 pair of jeans that I have been holding onto because of the brand though they are all too big, sweatshirts that I never wear but was saving because they were from Abercrombie, sweaters that are too big or are just not my style anymore, blouses, button ups, dresses that I have worn now to more than 1 occasion on both sides of the family, high heels, lots of heels.... about 20 belts, dress pants, bags... Everything like new, all of it from when I lived in LI. That pile for some reason made me feel so many emotions.....

It made me sad, as if I was throwing out the last of the old me. Everything I thought I was, everything I wanted to be, everything I had left that tied me to my old self, it was like saying goodbye to someone you once knew so well that now you barely recognize. Part of it felt like throwing out a memory, a night that I did not have pictures of but could tell you exactly what happened by looking at the shirt or jeans or shoes.....

After that it brought on a mad type of feeling. ( I feel like Dr. Seuss.. I was sad, then mad, but will I be glad?) I was mad that I once allowed myself to be so consumed by things, cause that's all they were - THINGS. Things that I had acquired which caused me to ruin personal relationships, stopped me from allowing personal relationships to ever take place because they couldn't offer me these THINGS, things that I felt would make me whole. I remembered every outfit & how I thought it would make me feel to wear it.. It never made me feel the way I wanted to.

But then I felt released... I felt a weight lifted off of me, like all the bad that came from the needing it of it all would now bring some good if only a few dollars to help my family, to help me prosper in the new life I have created. Plus where the hell do I wear heels anymore? My new "bag" is a Vera Bradley diaper bag.. yes still a label , but Meg bought it, not me.. LMAO.

The things no longer fit my lifestyle. A lifestyle that is the exact opposite of what I wanted all these things for, a lifestyle that I would never have thought I would love but do! A mother, a wife, a homemaker, a cook in training, a gardener to be once we get a little piece of earth, a crafter - soon to be my new business - all which requires getting dirty, sweatpants & flip flops seasonally replaced with Uggs ( Sorry I cant give that up - there is no comparison plus its once every 5 years) When it calls for it I can still Glam up, but that is not practical for my everyday anymore.

So as Oprah said, it's just stuff... to her maybe, but she has everything she wants, to me it was part of my history, but a chapter I am glad to close.

Ugh

Sorry I haven't written lately....

There is so much going on that I am completely overwhelmed & stressed to my max. All of this of course causes anger & I do not want this to be my outlet... It would scare people if I let it all out on here, so once everything settles down hopefully over the next 2 weeks then I can get back to normal...

So until then....... I will leave you with words that my very wise Aunty sent to me for our upcoming celebration of Moms.....

If you have a kid:
If you have a pet:
If you have a husband:
If you are a caretaker:
If you have elderly parents:
If you are ‘helping’ a friend:
If you are giving good advice, if you are listening, if you are caring, if you are loving, then you are mothering: Happy Mother's Day!!

There was fun & there was sun.....

But NO beach... guilt was the main contender in the NOT going to the beach portion... Guilt for leaving Taylor. But I had a good time with the family outside all weekend, Taylor, Lissi & I all had our bathing suits on for Aunty's " water park" creation that she made for the kids. So all in all it was good time. I got a little color but not nearly the shade of red I wanted to be. It will happen, we still have plenty of nice weather left!

So busy month coming up for Pat & I! We have our lovely Tori's 8th birthday this weekend! Invited over the family for some food & cake on Saturday.. Then the following weekend is mothers day & I already have a brunch planned with my mom, my grandpa who is finally returning home from Florida with his wife! LOL.

Then the 16th my Father & Noreen are coming up for the weekend. Saturday is the winery release party at my favorite winery & Sunday is mine & Patrick's 1 year wedding anniversary! We made it! Everyone says the first year is the hardest & boy was it... But as Pat would always say to me " I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world" though there are days I am sure we would both like to exchange one another.. LMAO.

The weekend after that we have a wedding in the Catskills which we got a hotel suite for because we had planned on going away that weekend for our anniversary but this is just as nice.. A kid free weekend alone with my Hubby.. We have never had that since we were married... Ok Alyssa may have been gone but Taylor was still here whether it be live or in the belly.. Either way I wasn't sleeping. So I am looking forward to that ALOT.

The weekend of the 30th we have, count them people, not 1, not 2, but 3, BBQ's to go to... Busy. busy, busy!

Then in June I am retiring my exhausted ass in a pile of sand with an ocean front view... Mostly in LI but we are planning to take a week vacation to NC to visit our beloved Frank & Kim who I am missing like crazy!!