It's just stuff....

That's what Oprah said... Just stuff.. We all need to simplify...

Lately Oprah has become my guru. Leave to a woman who has everything & nobody... LOL.

I went to a consignment shop the other day & made my first second hand purchase. With this I felt torn. I was ashamed that I lost part of me who never cared how much something cost, cause I did, then I also felt guilt. Guilt for spending money at all.

I have so much guilt when it comes to spending any money lately that I even found myself in conflict with myself, trying to justify spending the money on the $3.00 outfits that I was purchasing for my kids. Clothes that were in like new condition, mostly name brand, that was a fraction of the retail cost. I only spent $40 in total & got Alyssa & Taylor basically a whole summer wardrobe each. But it ate away at me the whole way home that I spent that $40.00, it eats at me still. I think it is because of my former " problem" with spending out of control.

I know thanks to therapy that because in my childhood I never felt like I had nice things.. (trust me I know I always had enough) but I never had what the other kids had because we didn't have the money. I always wanted more, I always wanted name brands, $4.00 socks from the Gap. So once I had my own $ I made sure I had everything I wanted. I shopped, I was an addict, I had an addiction, some call it a shopping addiction, I call it a lifestyle addiction fueled by jealously.

Now had I been responsible & patient, I would have been able to have it "ALL" in moderation, in time. In time..... that was never good enough for me. I HAD to have it then, right that second and after right that second when I HAD what it was that I could NOT live without, I was onto the next thing... Nothing made me happy... Nothing satisfied, nothing made me feel whole or equal which is what I was trying to do with this....I still never felt good enough or equal to my friends, though I usually had more than they could ever want, but it still wasn't good enough.

Now mix that with a child, another addict to which I was the responsible addict, bills & an apartment... It was a downward spiral. Luckily I was never credit card happy... I was a cash person, I still am. I always worked & I worked hard to make a name for myself in the industry I love to insure that Alyssa was taken care of.

When I would stop for a minute I would realize. That is when I would put money away & towards the end I was pretty good, but one addicts recovery is another's pot of gold... Let's just leave it at that & though reality had sort of hit me in the face about a year before the life altering move... Addictions of a human habit I had... Guess who... Left me with nothing.

I know this post is going to be all over the place but bare with me, I have alot of emotions pent up about non-sense.

So upon moving here I was still trying to be Elena from Massapequa... But now I am Elena the frugal. Do I miss my former self & the luxuries I allowed myself.. Some of it, but do I now have the knowledge to know that I would never have been happy & I am equally as happy finding ways to save money.. YES!!!

So that brings me to this morning.. I don't know where the above came from, that was not my intent when I sat down to start this, but out it came so there you have it.

This morning I was packing up for the move in 10 days to the location of I have no clue because we still don't have one... but that is besides the point.

I was going through my closet... Thinking what could I drop off at the consignment shop so I can make a little money. As I was placing items on the bed I could tell you exactly where I bought it, how much it cost, who I was with, where I wore it to ( usually an outfit was bought for a Friday or Saturday night). I had pile of almost 20 pair of jeans that I have been holding onto because of the brand though they are all too big, sweatshirts that I never wear but was saving because they were from Abercrombie, sweaters that are too big or are just not my style anymore, blouses, button ups, dresses that I have worn now to more than 1 occasion on both sides of the family, high heels, lots of heels.... about 20 belts, dress pants, bags... Everything like new, all of it from when I lived in LI. That pile for some reason made me feel so many emotions.....

It made me sad, as if I was throwing out the last of the old me. Everything I thought I was, everything I wanted to be, everything I had left that tied me to my old self, it was like saying goodbye to someone you once knew so well that now you barely recognize. Part of it felt like throwing out a memory, a night that I did not have pictures of but could tell you exactly what happened by looking at the shirt or jeans or shoes.....

After that it brought on a mad type of feeling. ( I feel like Dr. Seuss.. I was sad, then mad, but will I be glad?) I was mad that I once allowed myself to be so consumed by things, cause that's all they were - THINGS. Things that I had acquired which caused me to ruin personal relationships, stopped me from allowing personal relationships to ever take place because they couldn't offer me these THINGS, things that I felt would make me whole. I remembered every outfit & how I thought it would make me feel to wear it.. It never made me feel the way I wanted to.

But then I felt released... I felt a weight lifted off of me, like all the bad that came from the needing it of it all would now bring some good if only a few dollars to help my family, to help me prosper in the new life I have created. Plus where the hell do I wear heels anymore? My new "bag" is a Vera Bradley diaper bag.. yes still a label , but Meg bought it, not me.. LMAO.

The things no longer fit my lifestyle. A lifestyle that is the exact opposite of what I wanted all these things for, a lifestyle that I would never have thought I would love but do! A mother, a wife, a homemaker, a cook in training, a gardener to be once we get a little piece of earth, a crafter - soon to be my new business - all which requires getting dirty, sweatpants & flip flops seasonally replaced with Uggs ( Sorry I cant give that up - there is no comparison plus its once every 5 years) When it calls for it I can still Glam up, but that is not practical for my everyday anymore.

So as Oprah said, it's just stuff... to her maybe, but she has everything she wants, to me it was part of my history, but a chapter I am glad to close.