Make it look good from the outside...

Those who know me know, that I have always been one who needed to keep up appearances.... My house, my wardrobe, current styles, trends, vehicles... Everything.

I was / am one of those people who always thought if it looks good from the outside no one could or would know how broken & messy it was on the inside.. i.e ME.

I am telling you though, lately by not having a choice but to let all the cracks & flaws show, it is very liberating, freeing if you will.

To not have to keep up a persona that you cant really keep up. To be able to say, yes things aren't perfect, times are hard, but we are doing our best......it feels good.

Like driving the beater.. At this point I am grateful that I have a car to get me where I have to go... Of course I want one that I am not afraid will break down but this one is fine for now.
Being able to say for once aloud, we cant afford that. This has always been a problem for me. I used to love to think I could keep up with the Jones'. Using coupons, waiting for sales, going without even though I really want it, not buying something on impulse but thinking about it for a few days to see if it is in fact an impulse buy - 9 out of 10 it is. Even with Pat & me, bickering in front of people, not being all lovey dovey & la ti da.. It feels good cause that's who we are.. We fight, we don't always agree, we find each other pigheaded & its usually when people are around but that is the way WE love each other. Being able to go to the store where I know people in my sweats, with no makeup looking like hell basically.. Is HUGE for me, huge, but again liberating.

Don't get me wrong, it still eats me up not to be able to do this because that is my first instinct to make it look swell, make everything honky Dorey.. Cover it up, don't let anyone know.

I don't know when it started.. yeah maybe I do, I was young... Elementary school probably.
But it progressively got worse as I got older.

I was thinking about it this morning as I was cleaning my house before I go to the doctors.. Why was I cleaning??I just cleaned yesterday... it was not until I asked myself this question out loud that I realized it was because that I always think before I leave the house, if someone was to break in ever, I at least want them to think I had a nice house. SICK, I know. & it was this morning as I was running over my list of things I wanted done in case anyone broke in, I was like OH MY GOD, I have serious issues. Admitting it is the first step.....

Anyways.. I am slowing fixing the inside & in this process I am able to show the cracks on the outside.. There is still some work to do, a lot of work to do I would imagine. But its nice to be able to be who I really am and be that person proudly.