Where were you on 9/11?

I remember that morning like yesterday.
I was still living in Massapequa Park, NY with my grandparents and my almost 2 year old daughter.
I was upstairs in my apartment, getting ready for work, on what I thought was a beautiful beginning to fall morning. I had the tv on in the livingroom for background noise as I was in my bedroom getting dressed. My daughter was playing on the floor in my room, when I heard my Nanny yell up the stairs, "Turn on the news a plane just flew into the twin towers."  Not thinking it was anymore than just a accident, I watched thinking those poor people.

Then the second plane hit.

My grandmother starts screaming, "It's terrorists, I knew it, its a terroist attack, all those people." It had never occured to me that that was even an option when the first plane hit, and honestly, when I watched the second one hit, it still didn't. I just sat there with my mouth open, processing her words. I remember the fear that came over my body, it was as if I was frozen. For the first time in my life I truly knew what it was to feel fear and helplessness.

I guess you can say at 20 years old, I was still nieve in the ways of the world. I thought nothing like that could ever happen in the United States. That all those types of things happened in 3rd world countries. I couldnt fathom how so much hatred could be directed at people they didnt even know.

I, for some reason, felt compelled that I should still go to work that day. I dont remember getting dressed, or leaving the house, or even the beginning of my drive, but I do remember being on the Seaford Oyster Bay Pkwy. It was morning rush hour, normally I would  be in traffic, cursing the whole way.

But today I was one of FOUR cars. I remember counting four. Me and three other people who didnt know what else to do, but do like we do every other day and go to work. While I was driving, I had the radio on. I dont think I really even watched the road but kept my eyes on the sky, because I was sure then, that there we going to be more planes. As I drove, a few did fly over the parkway, whether they were planes being grounded or military planes I am not sure. But I know that when I heard them, I ducked in my car. I literally, grabbed the steering wheel and pulled my head down lower than it, thinking now they are going to fly into anything and everything in New York.

I don't remember arriving to work, it was like all of a sudden I was in the parking lot. It baffled me how I got there because as I remembered it, I was home, then on the Seaford Oyster Bay, now at work. Everything else was as if it didnt happen that morning.

I looked over in the parking lot and next to me was my co-worker. She was sitting in her car exactly like I was, glued to the radio with the same somber and terrifed look on her face. We both looked at each other then remained in our own cars for a little while longer unable to tear ourselves away from the radio.

I dont remember how long I sat there. I dont remember going into the building. I remember being inside and glad to see my best friends Becca, Nicole, and my daughters father Dan. At least they were ok and I knew that we were all together. I always felt safer when Danny was around.

The internet was out at work, so were the phones, the cell phones werent working at this point either. It felt so pointless for all of us to sit there. So far away from our families, so helpless in this tiny little office with no contact to what was happening outside around us except a radio that wasn't coming in very clearly... I think we stayed an hour or so before we decided to go home. I think we stayed out of fear of what was happening outside in world.

The ride home was the same as the ride there... One minute I was at work, the next I was home, the drive and how I got there a mystery. I remember walking in my house, hugging my Nan, who looked like she had been crying since I left, asking her if everyone in our family was accounted for. Happy when I was told yes.

I remember holding my daughter most of the day and repeatedly apologizing to her. That apology held a lot of reasons.... Sorry for the world I brought you in to. Sorry for leaving you when the world was falling apart. Sorry I couldnt do anything help those people. It was the biggest and most honest apology I had ever given to this day.

I dont remember the rest of the day as it happened... I know we all just sat there together, glued ot the tv watching the terror unfold... But I do remember bringing the baby in my bed that night, something I never did. Holding her so tight and crying myself to sleep.