Life is twisted, complicated maze of emotions. People always say, " Use your head" but I am a person whose heart trumps her head every single time.
Life can be mean, life can be confusing, life can be something that you want to approach as your friend but then it turns around and sucker punches you square in the face and it goes from being something you loved to something that has you filled with anger.
Anger is the emotion that has fueled me for a while now. Anger, resentment and hatred. It's easy to let those three things rule above all other emotions. It's easier to sit there and be angry and point blame and feel bad for yourself and your situation. Anger believe it or not, is safe. You are protected in your anger. You keep everyone at bay with anger. You don't let anyone in with anger. Me and anger were best friends for a while now. But being besties with anger is like hanging out with the kids your mom warned you about. You know you shouldn't. You know its trouble. And you know its going to leave you empty.
Emptiness is also an emotion, or lack of emotion I have burdened myself with. When you are in a situation where you love and you give and you love and you give and you get nothing in return for the duration but you ache for something, ANYTHING and get NOTHING, you are left with nothing to give and you feel empty. Hollow. Numb. You feel as if you live in a void. Just going through the motions to get through one more day, resenting your life because this IS your life.
Resentment, is easy. You can resent anyone, for anything. You can put blame anywhere to justify why you are right and how that person wronged you.
Sure, these are all great if you want to walk around like an empty shell person forever. And at some point I think I came to terms with being just that, I decided its better to feel nothing than to feel like I am nothing.
Everyone has their breaking point. Everyone has their tolerance level for bullshit. Everyone has a moment in their life that puts a crack in them a little bigger than the rest which finally breaks them. Sometimes these cracks cannot be repaired. Sometimes these cracks make you look in the mirror and ask who is this person looking back at me. Where did I go and what does this stranger want?
I broke. Finally. I allowed people to put little cracks in me over the years and I just ignored them. Little ones that I could have repaired. But I left them and pretended like they weren't there. Because I was strong and nothing and no one could hurt me.. Yea OK. Then someone put a crack in my structure and continued to work at that crack until it broke me. Until it broke us. But he was broken already too.
Do you know what it feels like to break? Its like losing your balance and someone spinning you out of control at the same time. But while your trying to steady yourself you have to smile and pretend like you can still walk a straight line.
Mine was 2 weeks ago. The weekend prior I took a weekend for me. Time to heal. Time to sit and evaluate my life and what I wanted, sort through emotions... But I knew that weekend was just a facade. I knew that I was just as empty when I came home, if not more so then before I left. I came home Monday feeling worse than I did before I left.
You know you are in trouble when all you want to do is get in your car, alone, and just disappear. Its was an urge that was physically manifesting itself in my body. Run, Run, RUN. Leave NOW. Get out. Make it stop, make it all go away... Was all I heard in my head.Your brain has to fight your body so that you don't just leave. I wish I could describe the state I was in or the actually physical pain I felt when those emotions began to take me over, but I can't, and frankly I don't want to revisit them.
Then that Tues. I broke. The anger boiled out of me like steam from a tea kettle. Anger was followed by hurt. This hurt had me stuck in my bed crying for days. I felt like I was losing my mind. Like I was finally going insane. At one point I thought maybe I should be committed. Crying, sleeping and yelling and crying and sleeping. That was all I was capable of and the sleeping was mostly so that I wouldn't just run out the door and never look back.
But after the crying and the sleeping and the yelling, 15 years worth of bottled up emotion, I realized, I don't have to be strong anymore. I don't have to hold it all together anymore. Its OK to be scared. Its OK to be mad and angry as long as I don't let that over take everything else. It's OK to break. It's OK to move on and not harbor all the bad, just because you let it go doesn't mean you will forget it. I realized maybe I can heal, maybe I can trust.
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