Look what's coming....

I want to write so badly, but as I sit here tonight I am exhausted... So tomorrow my friends, I will write... What exactly I have no idea.. But I am sure I will think of something.

My Favorite Fall Letter....

Do you see it darling? Our season is upon us. Gazing out my window I see mother nature working her magic. She let me know it was approaching with the cool autumn breeze that danced upon my face this morning. I closed my eyes, with my face turned towards the sun, and took that first breath of the fall air. It was in that moment I could once again see us, laying in the leaves, smiling, oblivious to everyone else around us.

This season feels like it was made just for us. It's beauty for our eyes only. As we drive to the country to gaze upon its splendors..I look at each tree with their leaves turning shades of red, yellow and orange and it's as if each tree was painted, with these magnificent colors, for only our eyes, for only our enjoyment. I feel as if this season was created for you and I alone. That no two people could appreciate the scenery more than us.

I know that it is within this season, I fall more and more in love with you, I want to be closer to you and I could not think of anyone else I would want to share this with. Join me, my love, for a walk on a pathway of fallen leaves and let us become enchanted.

- Michael Ritto

At peace...

My little girl is one tomorrow...

I love my husband...

The party was amazing...

Lissi is a fantastic young lady....

I am at peace with the world right now.

Rain Rain... I will kick your ass

Taylor's barnyard bash is being threatened by rain....

It will, of course, go on because it is IN the barn, but I wanted everyone to be able to enjoy a gorgeous fall day with the leaves turning, a cool breeze & miles & miles of land as far as your eye can see.... End the day with a roaring bonfire, some cocktails & adult conversation...

The weather men have been wrong before... A LOT, let's hope they are wrong about Saturday!

Taylor's Ho-Down

So, it started as a joke... Let's have Taylor's party in the barn so my family (who all live in the city) can see where we spend every waking moment on the weekends & all the animals....to which Kathy surprisingly was all like YES GREAT IDEA!

So then it took off...

If you know me, you were probably at my Luau... My very expensive over the top, took a theme & ran waaaaay too far with it Luau.... I had a 6ft Monkey with a lei & grass skirt... Necessary? No, but it was dressed for the occasion...It's a sickness, I cant help it.

Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, I don't have the kind of money as I did then... plus Pat would never allow the insanity of $5 grand... Oh yes, the luau went there.. But I had a REAL tikki bar...again I am a very SICK person...

SO the barn, sorry, first it was all oh animals.. yes animals, then it changed to fall at the farm, because, well it is. So the barn was emptied, cleaned, organized... a 4 day job to which I, the cleaning natzi, as they have referred to me, had it done within 7 hours,
(this is also part of my sickness)

Since I didn't have the funds to purchase what I thought should be in a barn, we had to be resourceful...... decorating with old jars, old farm items found in & around the barn, a few hay bales, some mums, soft fall colors... It is going to gorgeous, at least to me anyway... I didnt mind that I couldnt spend a crap load of money on decorations, I think the barn would have looked unauthentic with new stuff anyways.. so it worked out pretty good. Even Pat was amazed what I got done in such a short amount of time with hardly any budget.

Of course I HAD to buy cowboy hats & bandana's for all the kids, luckily it was the halloween season so they were easy to find. I ended up finding them at the dollar store which was good cause we had about 20 kids coming. My Mom is on cake duty, I told her I wanted a barn cake with animal cup cakes, so hopefully she can figure that one out!

I cant wait to for everyone to see it.. no one will quite understand the undertaking that came with deciding to have the party there, but it is adorable... The kids will love the animals... the grown ups will love that the children can run around & not be in our hair... I cant wait till Saturday

My Monkey is turning ONE

I cant believe that an entire year has passed.

I feel like only a few weeks ago, I was pacing my living room floor all hours of the night, crying because my leg cramps were so bad and I was so sleep deprived...

I feel like only a few days ago, I was walking into the hospital knowing she would be here in a very, very short amount of time...

I feel like it was only a few hours ago that Patrick & I brought home our tiny little bundle and just sat on the couch staring at her for HOURS on end...

I feel like it was only a few moments ago I was watching her find her hands, roll over, sit up, laugh, crawl, smile, coo for the first time...

And now, in about 2 weeks my little Monkey will be 1 and before we know it, we will turn around and she will be Alyssa & Tori's age...

Wow, one...

The Flu .. Already?

I dont get sick often, but I do always get a monster of a cold around the beginning of school.

Right now, because I cant sleep it off, I will safely say it is quickly turning into the flu.

I feel miserable, the baby is of course not napping ( I think she does it on purpose) & Pat couldnt be more unsympathetic so instead of getting better after 2 weeks, I am getting worse.

I wish I was home with my Nanny. She always makes me tea & rubs my back. I miss my family.

And Monkey says Mom...

I love love love the fact that Taylor says MOM. Not Momma, not Mommy but MOM. When she is upset I get the " Mom, mom,mom,mom MOM" I love it!

It makes my heart melt!

She talking up a storm, you ask her a question she says, "OK" or " yea". You say HI she says HI then puts her hand to her ear like she is on the phone. *Hi can not be said by her without the hand to ear motion*

When she doesn't get her way with me it's all Dada.. but lately it is mostly MOM!

She is at such a fun age now where she is silly.. she mimics everything. She even knows how to whistle from watching me & Pat do it.

Oh I could go on & on ... but I wont.. I am just so happy for her to say MOM!

Me & My Little Black Cloud...

I am thinking about writing a book...

Everyone has told me for years to do it...

It's just a matter of actually getting it down on paper, at least I have the title already.

Quote...

" Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." -Bernice Johnson Reagon

Rough past couple of days...

Limits & strengths have been tested.. I am exhausted, I think this is bottom. Hopefully we can only go up from here. I don't think I can endure much more.

I need to repeat this to myself over & over to try to make sense of all that has happened.

Chop Chop...

I have been growing my hair long. I have been hating my hair long. My husband loves it, which a good wife would leave it for him to love.... But I can't stand how long it takes to do it, I never liked my hair long. Sooo call me a bad wife, call me lazy, but today I say goodbye long locks...

Chop chop, hello me, I have missed you!

First Day.. It's Offical

Today is Alyssa's first day back to school, she is going into 4th grade now. I can remember her first day of nursery school like it was yesterday. What she wore, how she cried, how I cried and how she didn't want to leave when I came back to pick her up. Every year I feel excited when school time comes, but once she is on the bus, I feel like that mother who just brought her 3 year old to nursery school for the first time.

Every year I watch her get bigger, smarter, more in tune to the world around her. I watch this beautiful flower that I helped nurture for these past 9 years blossom into a beautiful young lady...

My sister in law Emily sent me this email this morning with a wonderful article.... I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.. Thanks Em!

*****************************************************

Quick, before they leave this morning. Take a good look. Touch their faces, run your hands through their hair.
We got antsy with them last month, but now we want time to stand still. Like falling leaves and chilly mornings, some great force signals us today. We are aware of life passing.
See the kindergartner with a brave, bewildered smile watching her mother cry as the school bus pulls away. The high-school freshman with a lump in his throat hears his father whisper everything will be OK. Brothers and sisters who fought all summer now hold hands.
Today is proud, today is helpless, today is tomorrow. This is a special morning, wrenching and sacred.
As a young reporter, I'd wonder why. What's the big deal about the first day of school? I would write down quotes in my notebook and comprehend nothing.
Then I became a parent. I found out. We mark time by today.
On this morning, we remember our own parents and our own childhood. We are filled with the smell of old raincoats, the sticky bond of classroom glue, the childhood knot of worried excitement. We were so small and lost. (Secret: A part of us is still lost. We tell no one.)
Now we have children of our own. On this morning, we remember the holy moment of their birth.
We see this is all just a matter of time. Once, we thought our children were ours alone. Each September, on this day, we learn better. Nothing is ours to keep.
Time passes through our eyes this morning. We see our children as newborns, we picture them as grown-ups. We see them walking their own children to school.
Time passes in the beat of a heart. I have seen my first kindergarten boy walk into his dorm on his first day of college. A few days ago, my younger son left for college. I stood there, at once empty and full, as frightened and proud as the morning his first school bus pulled away.
Come on, it's getting late. The bus is coming up the road. I'll keep this short.
Make sure they have everything they need. Double-check. Write their name on the book bag. Sweetheart, did you remember your lunch money? Dad, don't call me mushy stuff in front of the other kids.
They are right. Like the summer birds leaving us, our children know what to do. Like September leaves waving on the trees, we, too, give way to the winds of change.

Aggravations

1. Changing Taylor's diaper... I need her to stay still she needs to roll. She gets the urge to roll more so when she has poop then when its just pee. It must hilarious to watch, but it is impossible to do. She is very strong, I think she could take me.

2. Pat & the toothpaste... Every morning without fail! I go into the bathroom, he has the cap on one side of the sink and toothpaste open on the other. Every morning I put the cap back on & put the toothpaste away. I think he does it on purpose, I bet he thinks its funny.

3. Spiders, specifically Daddy Long Legs... I know spiders are supposedly a sign of a clean house, but come one man, my house isn't that clean. I kill about 6 a day sometimes more.... A DAY!
* did you know that Daddy Long Legs carry a poison that can kill a human.. the deadliest to humans but there mouths are too small to bite us* Thank god for that or my whole little family would be gone!

4. Laundry... I think they wait and watch, then wait some more & just when I have the last little piece of laundry done & put away, here they come, almost prancing like they are sooo funny with an armful of dirty... Even though I just asked anyone have any dirty laundry I didn't get? Noooo, but I am learning that Nooo means we have it hidden so we can do the laundry prance... I think Pat & Lissi are in co-hoots.

5. The living room area rug... We have a rug in the living room that wrinkles when you walk over it. I hate that. It pisses me off. I don't know how to make it stop. I have tried everything short of nailing it down.

6. Dishes... You know what a sink is right? In my mind or how I understood it, that is where you put the dirty ones that need to be washed. IN the SINK, not next to it, not near it, not on the counter across from it... IN IT! It must take too much energy to lower the arm into the sink, I don't get it. DIRTY = SINK, maybe my mother had it wrong, I will have to ask her.

7. Alyssa & Scissors... Every time that child has scissors you would think we just yelled Happy New Year & threw confetti, it doesn't matter what she is cutting or where, it can be 5 seconds or 2 hours and I feel like the clean up crew for a ticker tape parade.

8. Socks... I don't know what I do wrong. I use bleach, I use detergent, but I can never get them clean clean. WTF? I have even been so desperate that I researched it online to make sure I am doing it right. For some reason I am being punished by my whites, I want them whiter they like dingy... I am going to have to get that lady from the cheer commerical here.

8. The Night Time Mess Fairy... I don't know who this S.O.B is but when I catch it, mother's everywhere will rejoice & sing my name in praise. I am the last one to go to sleep ALWAYS. I am the last one to see the house, every night. Somewhere between my last waking memory & the time my brain is jolted back to life by Taylor, someone has come into my home & trashed it. I am setting up a video camera.. I will prove this theory to be true, maybe this fairy is friends with the sock stealer and I can get both at once.

9. The Lady Across the STREET... I hate the fact that we even live close enough to people to be able to say that... But this whack job, um I mean woman, has 4 maybe more dogs.. She lets them out whenever Taylor is sleeping, it's like she waits for it. These things bark like mad which then warrants her to scream like a banshee at them telling them to "shut up". This of course always wakes up Taylor. I want to walk over there & open her gate sometimes. I think they are barking for help, they want to get away from her, I might assist them in their plea. The dogs told me to, that will be my insanity plea.

10. Breaking News... If I am watching something I am invested. I want to see it through. It is very rare that I get to sit & enjoy any sort of show lately without having my own "breaking news" to interrupt me from it every 3 seconds. So unless my life is in eminent danger, break it during commercial. I don't care what Michael Jackson offical autopsy report is, bury him, he's dead, get over it.

Back to School

So school starts in 2 days....

I hate to say this because I absolutely love my daughter but thank goodness!

See we have our own little group of friends, more to us like an extension of our immediate families. Between 3 couples, we have 9 kids on a daily basis. THAT'S A LOT. A L O T. Their kids are like mine, mine like theirs, husbands too...Except for the, ya know, part.

Our days are filled with Mommmm, he said this, she did that, we're hungry we're bored, can we have a sleep over, she bleeding, I don't know, I didn't do it, Noooo, where's my shoes, why not?.... Mommmmmm.......

So needless to say Kathy, Hope & I are ready to pull whatever little amount of hair that hasn't been turned gray and already pulled by us this summer, out. We have a little dry erase board on Kathy's fridge with the number of days constantly being updated to show us just how much time we have to hold on to the little bit of sanity we left.

When I was about 8 & my sister was 7, the Mom's on my block started having a brunch on the first day of school which they claim they did for quite a few years. I never understood why they would do this or why they were always so damn giddy on the first day of school. I always thought this tradition to be weird & kinda mean. They were always silly when we arrived home from school the first day, all smiles, all laughy. I never knew why.... till now.

According to sources I will leave un-named, ( my mother ) that brunch was accompanied by a few (yeah, right, more like one per mother) bottles of champagne, ya know for Mimosa's.. (again riiiiiiiiiight) to have with "brunch".

The way I look at it, we got on the bus, they each popped their own bottle, yelled hooray & walking arm & arm up the block drank directly from their own bottle while congratulating one another for not murdering any of us over the summer. Maybe they did the walk like the Monkeys, foot over foot. There never was any food, just the bubbly....That's how I picture it anyways.

So I decided that you know what, I think we deserve a "brunch"....

We made it with 9 kids, no deaths, no major injuries, we took them places & managed to bring them all home every time without losing any of them in the process of the outings. We all now have to use gray covering hair dye, have black circles under our eyes, not from make up from yesterday, but from lack of sleep, we have done dishes for 20 extra people at least once a week in our own houses, we have learned how to pack a car in 10 minutes with meals for 9 kids, 6 adults, including to infants in that total. I think we deserve a "brunch".

So if you are looking for me on September 2nd around 9am - 3pm... I will hopefully be at Kathy's, with Hope having a quiet, uninterrupted, silly, giddy BRUNCH!

Bad Blogger

I read sooo many blogs on a daily basis......

It's like reading the newspaper to me. I need it, I check them constantly to see if they have been updated. I mix the blogs with a few little celebrity gossip sites. That is my morning routine, before the kids wake I make my tea, sit at the computer & read.

I love seeing things from other peoples perspective, getting to experience life through their eyes, hearing different points of view, and sometimes just knowing that I am not the only one who feels that way....

But then I come back to my silly little blog, feeling inspired by all these intelligently written blogs & feel kinda stupid. I never really have anything to say, nothing that exciting goes on in my life currently... I don't have time for fashion, politics, reading, the arts, traveling...So I feel like I have nothing to really offer anyone reading this. That is unless you want to hear me brag about my kids....or poop diapers or how I found a new wood polish that I absolutely love the smell of... I do have alot of those moments at the moment...

I guess that's why I read them, to escape for a few minutes everyday into the life I cant live at the moment... I just feel like a bad blogger because I cant offer anyone that same escape.

Sicky Sicky

My body likes to get sick at the most unusual times... I am the person who gets the flu in the summer & allergies in the winter... I am ass backwards what can I say.

Overall I have a pretty good immune system & it takes all for me to get sick. The only time I really get sick is when I am run down & not sleeping properly, which with a 10 month old, I haven't done since I was about 3 months pregnant with her.

So my mom had the flu a few weeks ago & even though I didn't see her much when she was sick, I did see her.. Now my body feels like I have been hit by a truck. I definitely have an ear infection which sucks but luckily I had medicine left from when Lissi had hers so that saved me a trip to the doctor. But all I want to do / need to do is lay in bed.

I asked Taylor if we could do this so Mommy could feel better but by the way she ba ba dada & made squeaky noises I am pretty much assuming that is a No way mom. I think the crazy super speed crawling too showed me this is not going to happen.

So I am just sticking it out, trying to be fun for her but not breathe on her & use up all the energy that I am trying to muster on her in one shot. Being sick when your a Mom stinks...Sometimes I wish I was in Queens so that my family could help in times like this.

I miss the days when I would stay home from school sick, lay in my Nanny's bed & she would bring me tea & toast, then rub my back & play with my hair...

Baby Steps & Training Wheels

Baby Steps......
My little Monkey Miss Taylor took her first steps on Sunday... She started out small 2 here, 3 there, but by the end of the day she was taking 6-7 steps at a time!

Ask me if I have been able to get her to do it again? Um No. But I have it on video!

My baby is growing up, she is starting to talk, she loves to mimic me, plays alone in her room with her toys & has 4 teeth... *tear*

Training Wheels.......
Lissi finally stopped being a chicken & learned how to ride a 2 wheeler, she seriously learned in 5 minutes in the dark.

She is trying new foods & expanding her palate which makes dinner time alot easier & happier here!

She has a little boyfriend... Our best friends son... We have a very close on the those two!

Big Old Loser

I remain a Big Old Loser....

The firehouse raffle did not bring us the "wealth" we were hoping, in fact it cost us money.. as expected!

So in the whole spirit of trying to feel lucky last weekend, Pat bought mega millions tickets, I believe the pot was 184 Million. Between 7 tickets we had a combined total of 3 numbers...

Then there was an nice elderly lady outside Gmart selling tickets for a raffle at the church, first prize $1000 ticket was $5.00, so we figured what the hell... That drawing isnt until September 6th so I am hoping maybe our luck is delayed!

But I have a feeling all we will win is our title of Big Old Loser!

Lady Luck

I am not a gambler... I never have been.

I am not lucky, I come from a LONG line of unlucky.. It's kinda embedded in our DNA.
We never win anything, we never randomly find anything on the sidewalk, in fact we are more prone to be the ass who drops a $50, for the person who has luck to find....

So when it comes to spending money to win money, I am not exactly an optimist.

I have never had any desire to go to Atlantic City or especially Vegas, I like my money in my pocket. If I am going to spend that amount of money, sorry let me rephrase that, if I am going to hand over that amount of money to a stranger, I would just rather find someone who ACTUALLY needs it ( like my bank account) and give it to them.

My husband on the other hand, loves him some lotto tickets and I know its all " Hey you never know" to which I respond, " Hey I kinda do" .... 2 days later still wishing you had that $20 right?

Anyways that brings me to this weekend... The big $10,000 raffle at the firehouse. The tickets are well, comparable to the Golden ticket on Willie Wonka, without the crazy nut job giving you a tour with creepy orange midgets. But they are very coveted.

It's $100 each, I think only 200 tickets so your "odds" are pretty good, according to Pat. I keep trying to tell him we also have Madam Unluck stacked against us, so no they aren't & I would rather the $100.00 but again I get the "hey you never know" & "$10,000 would really help us"... Help us, it would be to us like winning the million but I keep that to myself.

Here is how it works people.. Money GOES to MONEY. And on the rare occasion that it does not.. Well we have all seen the E true Hollywood Story of " I won the Lotto" right? Never ends good.

Anyways here's hoping that my DNA has not effected Pat's .... Wish us luck, cause I KNOW we need it.

I am blessed

I am officially 28!

Sitting at the dining room table this morning, drinking my tea quietly before any of the kids woke up, I looked over at the hutch (china cabinet to some) and saw all my birthday cards. All I could think was that I am blessed.

Blessed enough to have a family that will drive 2-3 hours each way just to spend the day with me. Blessed that I gained the best extended family through marriage. Blessed that I have friends who are genuine. Blessed to have beautiful daughters & a loving husband who make my life fulfilled. Blessed to have those who couldn't share the day with me call, send cards or even just send a Happy birthday over the computer.

Funny how the days leading up I was stressed because I couldn't believe how another year had passed & how I was getting to be " my Mom's age" that she was when I think about my childhood.

But taking a minute this morning to reflect on the past year, I realized how much I have gone through, my daughter being born, the trials of being newlyweds & having a newborn, moving, friendship & family limits being tested, losing friendships, gaining friendships, I just realize how absolutely lucky I am that my kids are healthy & happy, that I am in love, that I have a wonderful family & I have gained such happy & hilarious friendships. I kept looking at all the cards all I kept thinking is how I feel so blessed.

A Good Kind of Off....

Yesterday was an off day for me to say the least. I was super emotional, not necessarily sad but a full array of emotions I have no idea why or what brought it on but I was. It started as soon as I opened my eyes till I closed them around 2am this morning.

Maybe it was because Pat & I had an unusual morning.... Him bringing Taylor in the bed at 2:30 because she whimpered for like a second, Taylor being fully awake laughing saying " Hi Dada" while smacking him on his head & Pat loving her with kisses & hugs before we all fell back asleep. I love watching the two of them, it makes my heart melt.

Him waking up late because we had play time till 3am & catching an attitude with me because he couldn't find something. ( I love being woken out of a dead sleep for something I never touched in the first place) & leaving for work pissy without the usual I love you.

Watching Taylor & Lissi all day thinking how fast they are both growing & I want them to stay the way they are. Watching them play & seeing how much they adore one another.

Talking with my Nanny & getting excited to see her this weekend. Worrying about our new editions up at the farm, if the baby ducks were warm enough, clean, had water, if Bruttus was trying to eat the baby goats. Then seeing my Mommy yesterday for the first time in a few weeks.

Pat coming right home & just about to settle into our evening routine of how was your day, talking about the kids, animals, what to have for dinner when we received unexpected company.

I really cherish our evenings. I love knowing he will be home soon & we will all sit down as a family, eat & talk. That is my favorite part of the day.

We were out the door with the company to their house. This put Pat & I off our routine which caused us to have a little tiff in the car. ( A little tiff usually ends up as WW III, tonight was no exception) Things were said that really hurt my feelings so we didn't talk much the rest of the night.

Then at one point I was walking towards where he was, it was dark out at this point, I tripped over something & smashed my leg, he immediately ran out to see if I was OK, hugged me, kissed my head & helped me hobble back to the house. This was the first contact with one another since the car ride.

Once home we put the baby to bed, Lissi opted for a sleep over there, we talked for a little then went to bed. Normally he is sleeping by the time I go, but tonight I was tired too. So I went at the same time. Once we are laying down he grabs me so I would lay my head on his chest & we talked for a little, he apologized for the war in the car, we talked about the kids, how I am going to be "an old goat" this weekend, then he kissed my head & fell asleep. I laid there on his chest for a good 20 minutes & then all of a sudden I started to cry, not out of sadness but because I was so happy....

I cried because I was exactly where I wanted to be. I cried because sometimes I am overwhelmed by him & the family we created. I cried because I know he loves me regardless. I cried for so many reasons but I just was so overcome with emotion at that moment that the only way to release it was to cry.

He slept through the whole thing..... but he never let me go. Yesterday was an off day, but a good kind of off!

My Monster

Funny pic which pretty much shows the trouble my little monster Taylor Rae seems to be getting into on a daily basis, numerous times a day.... I hope you enjoy it as much as the puppy did cleaning it up!

There is a light....

After months of stress, being in the hole and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel.... We are almost to the light, we can see it, it's faint, but after weeks and weeks of blackness, that faint little glimmer is pure bliss for me.

We might actually after the next 2 weeks be able to pull ahead. We have a few more things our money is previously allocated towards that have to be paid, but if we can stick to the plan once they are paid we might actually be standing on the other side of that darkness in the light.

It feels damn good knowing you sacrificed and you did what you set out to do. I can't wait to be out of this damn "tunnel" forever.

It's one of THOSE days

So I wake up this morning....

I can't move, I pulled my back out, I am in agony. Taylor has a fever. Alyssa has a wonderful sunburn from yesterday. And to top it all off, its gloomy & rainy!!

Pat is at work oblivious that his girls are all suffering, he is probably better off... It's like a bitch fest here already & it's only 9:24 am.

Fun! Great! Wonderful!

Feeling Selfish

Lately I have been feeling a little guilty....

Since coming home, I haven't really called any of my girlfriends or my family. I have been just concentrating on being with my little family & friends up here.

I feel right now, that I just need time with Pat & Taylor.. Alone.

So I want to say I am sorry to everyone, I have just not been up to talking .... I have been enjoying my time with my little family.

Just Something to Think About or Maybe It's Time to Stop Thinking and Start Reacting

Subject: JOE VS. JOSE

I would take issue with some of the math below (particularly Joe should have most of his health insurance paid by the employer - although Obama plans to tax him for that) but generally feel that this analogy succinctly demonstrates a severe problem here in America . I

It isn't about heritage or race, it's about being a nation of laws...Joe Legal vs. Jose Illegal

Here is an example of why hiring illegal aliens is not Economically productive for the USA...

You have 2 families..."Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal". Both families have 2 parents, 2 children and live in the USA .

"Joe Legal" works in construction, has a Social Security Number And makes $25.00 per hour with payroll taxes deducted....
"Jose Illegal" also works in construction, has "NO" Social Security Number And gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".

Joe Legal...$25.00 per hour x 40 hours $1000.00 per week, $52,000 per year Now take 30% away for state federal tax Joe Legal now has $31,231.00
Jose Illegal...$15.00 per hour x 40 hours $600.00 per week, $31,200.00 per year Jose Illegal pays no taxes... Jose Illegal now has $31,200.00

Joe Legal pays Medical and Dental Insurance with limited coverage $1000.00 per month $12,000.00 per year Joe Legal now has $19,231.00
Jose Illegal has full Medical and Dental coverage through the state And local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00

Joe Legal makes too much money is not eligible for Food Stamp Or welfare. Joe Legal pays for food $1,000.00 per month $12,000.00 per year Joe Legal now has $ 7,231.00
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for Food Stamps And Welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00

Joe Legal pays rent of $1,000.00 per month $12,000.00 per year Joe Legal is now in the hole Minus (-) $4,769.00 Jose Illegal receives a $500 per month Federal rent subsidy Jose Illegal pays rent $500.00 per month $6,000.00 per year Jose Illegal still has $25,200.00

Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays Or gets a part time job after work. Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.

Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children Get a government sponsored lunch.

Jose Illegal's children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.

Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same Police and Fire Services, But Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay. Don't support any illegal aliens... Its PAST time to take a stand For America and Americans!

Our Gang

So another eventful weekend with our little "gang"....

Saturday Pat & I made sauce for 16.. Yes that's right 8 adults, 8 kids...

We had a blast, the kids ran around like little maniacs, the adults sat talking & laughing, the girls sadly drank the last 4 bottles of Osprey for the season.... We made smores, we lit sparklers.. All in all we had a blast. I sat there thinking, wondering actually why it took so long for it all to come together... Not the dinner, just this life and friendships that now I cant imagine life without.

Sunday.. Ah, crazy ass Sunday. 9am... Pat says , Let's go fishing... 10am out the door all ready to go...10:20 meet up with everyone.... 1:30 arrive at the river... What took so long in between? Lack of preparation, trying to do something on a whim with 6 adults & 8 children... Just doesn't happen that easily.. But all in all a fantastic lazy Sunday laying on a blanket in beautiful scenery with perfect out door weather. Taylor loved it & was sooo good, splashing her little feet in the warm water, taking in the scenery with Daddy. I got a beautiful picture of them which I will post here...

Now we have all vowed to do something every weekend with the kids, but something that we have all planned ahead at least a week before so that is doesn't lead to Sundays disaster again!

This weekend, Otisville fireworks Friday to kick off another weekend of good friends & fun!

How nice it is to just be at peace.....

With the world and my life at the same time.

I can't really explain it.. But the past week has been almost blissful for me. I feel like Pat & I have finally overcome our bullshit & are where we should have been, relationship speaking.

So here's to us... We overcame our first year of marriage, the hardest as everyone is saying.... Especially for 2 pigheaded, stubborn pain in the asses such as ourselves.

I am proud of us & our little family.

I couldn't imagine my life without this man in it.

My Favorite Picture

I know this is random but on the 3rd of July at a BBQ, I randomly shot this picture while Patrick was trying to calm our screaming Taylor who was so not loving the fireworks like everyone else around her. This is now my most favorite picture. This picture just shows his love for her & it makes my heart melt every time I see it!

Back to Life....

Back to reality...

Sorry I haven't posted since pouring my heart out on here over that last week. I will update....

Since coming home things have been calm, happy & extremely peaceful. We have done alot of talking accompanied by alot of listening. We have stopped blaming and yelling. We have begun to take the steps we BOTH needed to begin falling back in love & remembering why & what it was that we loved so much about the other person.

We both realized that we do not want to be without the other and that we were both taking each other for granted, one party more than the other. Both of us realized what needs to be done individually to make this work as one.

Pat has been doing everything promised on his part. It has only been a week but everyone has to start somewhere & I am so happy. I have been doing what he felt he needed from me & he seems to be really happy too. Now if we could just get the puppy to stop having accidents we would be ecstatic.

We were able to sit down together & come out with a plan to help our financial situation, as well as a plan to help the other areas in our relationship that need mending. It feels so good to finally be working as a team rather than opposing forces. We have been doing things together as a family, allotting time every evening for time alone after Taylor goes to sleep, things that were always so simple, but when angry seemed like alot. We realize this now.

I don't know, all I can say is I am happy, genuinely happy with my life at the moment. It's not perfect, we still have our crap to deal with & get through, but at least I can sleep at night knowing that we are a "WE" , my husband & I, & that we may have hit a rough patch but I love him & he loves me & it is enough to make this work.

Home

I have been questioning where this is a ton over the past few days.

Being around family & friends makes it both easier and harder, since everyone has an opinion. I have to say I am usually on the outside of these situations telling other people my "advice" or what I would do if I was them and now that I am, I was completely wrong in my views.

It's so easy for someone to say leave. Move back. Start over. It's so easy in their minds to pack up your life, kids, & uproot all senses of normalicy while turning everyones world upside down. It's so easy for someone who doesnt love him to say, you have given it your all, come home now.

But the truth is, since being here, that is my HOME, with him, in our house, with our kids. I always called LI home, but after being here for more than just a vacation, I realize that it is no longer my home. Yes it is a place that holds my childhood, teens, Alyssa's early childhood memories, but you can't live your present in memories. There is one very important part of my life that is missing here, my husband. Plus the noise & traffic here are awful... Ha Ha

We have problems, yes, it seems hopeless at times, yes, it becomes overwhelming, yes, but the truth of the matter is I love him. I am not going to give up on us & from talking to him the past 2 days he doesnt want to either. So I go home, we try. The best thing we can do is try. Too many people just give up.

We both needed this time & space, we both needed to step back from the situation & put things into perspective. I believe he has & I know I have.

I am not quite ready to leave here yet, but I know I am not ready to stay here either.

White Horse

I have heard this song a million times before, each time just singing the words but never really listening to the lyrics, but I heard it today as I let Alyssa's ipod just go through the list as I was driving. This song made me break down & cry. I don't believe that there could be a more appropriate song for what I am feeling at the moment.

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

Waiting...

The past 24 hours I have had this knot in my stomach. It gets worse as each hour passes & no call from him.

Everyone keeps saying maybe he needs time to process, to think of what to say, maybe he is trying to "show" you.... My gut is saying, he doesn't care. He is out, getting drunk, acting like a single with no care in the world. My gut feels that a big F*ck her is or has already left his mouth.

I am not innocent in this, I am not saying I am without flaws, but when & if, which was rare, he would point out something that annoyed him, or upset him, I would immediately do what I could within my power to try to correct it or not do it.

I feel like my words constantly fell upon deaf ears... Like he saw my mouth moving but had such a skill of actually tuning out what I would say, that he would yes me to death in hopes of getting me to shut up, so he could go back to what he was doing.

I am crawling out of my skin right now, waiting, wondering, waiting, because this waiting period is going to decide the rest of 4 people's lives directly..... Really the ball is in his court & I am waiting to see what his move is. I had to leave this up to him, I make every other decision in ours lives without him ever helping, I needed him as the man, to decide our future.

I can't be the only one to care. I can't be the only one who loves. I can't continue to be in my marriage alone. It is the worst feeling to be married & be lonely constantly.... All I ever asked of him was to love me, to talk with me, to show affection every now & then, to respect me, to work as a team rather than opposing forces, to remember birthdays & holidays. Stuff that normally comes natural to most people, especially if they are in love or care for someone. All I ever wanted from him was to feel loved & on a very random occasion, maybe even a little special.

Reality...

Yesterday had proven to be one of the hardest days of my life yet.

I had an argument with myself the whole day as to whether or not I was doing the right thing.
As I packed I argued, as I cleaned the house one last time I argued, as I packed the car up I was in an all out war with myself. Driving to my in laws to say goodbye & drop off the dogs food, I was on the verge of tears. As I walked out of their house I lost all composer. Something I had tried all day to maintain in order to prove to myself that I was doing the right thing. After losing all my composer I head to Hope's house.

This is the part that really sucks for me.... I finally, after living here for 2 years found a friend, a good, close friend who I actually had alot in common with & could easily talk to. I believe she feels the same about me. She also has a daughter that Alyssa has become best friends with, so this is hard on both of us. So I walked into her house just to give her a hug & ask her once more if she thinks I am doing the right thing.

As I pulled out my driveway yesterday I remember looking into my rear view mirror at my house, a house I just turned into a home for us, hoping that this would be his wake up call. Hoping that I was wrong & that he did love me enough, love himself enough & love the kids enough, & that we would all be home soon. As that thought passed through my head I found myself choking down that lump that sadness always brings to your throat.


It was the longest ride of my life yesterday. A ride that I had made a million times it seems, but this one was different. This wasn't a social visit with the family, it wasn't for a weekend of fun with friends. This trip could possibly change my life as I know it forever. That is the thought that accompanied me the whole ride. Should I turn around.... I could make it back before he gets home & he would never know. What if I did & he didn't come home till late, then it would just prove that I should have left & I wasn't making a mistake.

Once here I was immediately greeted with the faces I knew I was needing to give me comfort, guidance ( though maybe they aren't the best for guidance since of course they are biased, I came to realize)but love, a few jokes & just noise to override the thoughts in my head.

After sitting around talking for a little, I knew it was time to bring my stuff in the house. I hadn't done this right away in case I had changed my mind & wanted to go home. But I knew I had to, it was now 9pm & he had yet to call , almost 3 hours after he was supposed to be home from work.

11pm.... No call, the baby was still awake, due to her new surroundings, the dog needed a walk, Lissi was restless, & I needed to just breathe some fresh air, sooo I did something I long to do everyday while living in Westbrookville. I put the baby in the carriage, Lissi on her scooter, the dog on the leash & walked, and walked and walked, like I was trying to walk off all thoughts cluttering my mind.

Taylor loved the the cool breeze & all the houses & lights to look at, Lissi was happy to ride her scooter over the bumps in the sidewalk & without having to stop every 3 feet for cars coming up the road & Brutus was like a little sniffing sleuth following the millions of trails from all the other dogs who had walked the streets before him. I was just walking, thinking, this is all I wanted from him, just to walk with me, just to spend time with me enjoying the simple things in life, just to hold my hand & adore the family we created & be happy with that. He should be with me. He should be here. Why can't this be enough for him to be happy, why doesn't he love me enough...
Why Why why why why....... Why hasn't he called? Does he even care?

I went to bed last night after getting Taylor off to sleep, Lissi settled & grabbing my "boy" Bruttie, All of us in a 10x10 room, with tears in my eyes, I quietly whispered into the air as if my husband could hear me... I love you Patrick, Good night.

Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones....

And honestly sometimes I think I would prefer that.

His words cut through me like a knife. They are so mean, so hateful, so unlike anything I have ever heard out of anyones mouth directed at a person that they are supposed to love above anyone else.

How can you say things like that, then 5 minutes later go on like nothing happened, it's like living with Jykel & Hyde, never knowing what you are getting from minute to minute.

I have been in relationships where I have been physically abused in the past... But this is torture, to sit here & continuously love someone that doesn't even treat you with respect. Someone that daily tells you in so many words that you are a piece of shit, that blames his issues that he had way before you on you. I was with an addict for 10 plus years, I know the routine of passing the blame. I know it's not my fault, but if you hear something enough you start to believe it.

I love him, I do, in every sense of the word, but it's time to love me, it's time for me to be selfish.

Tomorrow I am going home. I need space. I need to clear my head. I need my family & friends.

I need him to see what life without me & the kids is like... Maybe he will realize, maybe he won't, but either way I need the mental break from the names that really do hurt me.

You cant go back but for a moment.....

There are times where I find myself stressed out, missing a certain period of my life.
A time that to me was care free, more innocent, simpler, happier & when I felt the most alive. A time that I felt I was at peace with the world. This was a time that I was sure of who I was, what I stood for, where I was headed. I was secure in my relationships with friends, family, co-workers. I felt like I was on top of the world & I couldn't ask for anything more than what I had.

The world was mine & Lissi's to do with it what we pleased. I felt like we had such immense amounts of time to do everything our hearts desired. We could just pick up after dinner & go for a walk, jump in the car & head to the beach for the day, go to the park, zoo, botanical gardens, the city, the bike path, museums & so much more, we were girls on the go!

I also had this luxury in my relationships with friends. Dinner, movies, bars, shopping, lunching, nights out with a nice bottle of wine, quick run to the nail salon because it was a rough week & we deserved it, the beach & whatever else we wanted to do on my Lissi free days...

There are times when I miss this soo much it consumes me. Times where it's the company I miss, the simple act of calling my friends & knowing in 30 minutes we would be trying on a million different outfits for where ever it was we were going to go, or knowing that Lisa would be coming over with her slippers on for a movie, dinner & a sleepover. Knowing that if I was having a bad day I could see Lisa, Mary or Meg & they would be there to throw me off my pity train.

I miss walking into work sometimes, knowing my job inside & out, dressed up, meaning business & getting down to business, being the girl who hung with the boys & bossed them around, joking with guys, the camaraderie working in a dealership brought to me. I miss the traveling, the meetings, going to seminars to learn more.... I miss it... A lot.

But I can go back & I do... Sometimes its as simple as closing my eyes, feeling the sun on my face & allowing my brain to take me there, take me out of my head, away from the stress & put me on my blanket that I bought at the Jazz Festival in Hartford. That blanket has been everywhere & my happiest memories are on that blanket. Old Westbury Gardens, the beach, Picnic at Mark Twain's house, the Catskills in the fall, random stops on the side of the road simply to watch the sunset, Belmont Park, the duck park, jazz festival (obviously), montauk, everywhere......

All I have to do is close my eyes & I am there, with people I love, that love me the most. People that love me for me, all of me, the good the bad & the ugly. People who I am not sure understand just how much my heart aches for them everyday.

It can all change in the blink of an eye.....

** This blog has to do with Me & Patrick. It is real, it is honest, it something I need to get off my chest. If you are going to get mad at me over it please dont read it, but it is MY life & I am free to talk about it & right now I need to talk about it**


What would you do if the person you love, your husband, you child's father, hesitated when prompted with the question "Are you in love with me?"

This was our house last night. An argument ensued over the lack of respect for me. The going out every night after work & staying out till all hours of the night without calling. The coming home drunk on occasion, the lack of help in the house & with the kids. The way I am "spoken" to on a daily basis.The lack of affection, conversation & whatever else I am hurting about.

I am good at putting on a smile, I am good at hiding & being a show pony in front of other people. I am good at waiting.... Unfortunately I have become a pro at the waiting over the course of my life. Waiting for people to do the right thing, waiting for people to realize, waiting for everything.

The hesitation was followed by the MOST devastating comment I have ever heard..... " I thought you were going to make between 60 & 80 grand a year. You don't, I would have found someone who did & fell in love with her eventually.I would probably be better off without you, you are a burden & a headache. You COST too much money"

Let me clarify exactly how much $ I cost. I buy groceries once a month. This excludes formula & diapers. I buy all the paper products, cleaning, detergents, shampoo & tolietries, as well as meat, & food.... ONCE A MONTH $300.00. I do have to spend around 25 a week on formula & 20 every 2 weeks on diapers. I also have to buy fruits every 2 weeks for Lissi cause they GO BAD!
I pay the cable, phone, electric, car ins, propane & try TRY to pay off one or two of our old bills which were accumulated prior to our meeting a month, in order to achieve this dream of home ownership. I fill up my car once a week for $52.00 & yes I buy cigarettes daily. I dont however purchase clothes, makeup shoes, bags, eat out, get hair nails or toes done, I dont get my eyebrows done, I buy the kids clothes at a consignment shop if & when I buy them something. I dont take them anywhere that costs any money & maybe every 2 months I will drive home to see MY family & MY friends for a weekend for the total trip costing $70.50, because lord knows the guilt I have if I even dare spend $20 to go out with my friends.

But it is ok to come home on payday with a paystub that says $952.00 but with only $160.00 in your pocket then wonder why we cant pay the bills? COME ON!

Money..... My least favorite topic, the ruin of all relationships. ALL OF THEM. Some because I made too much, now it's because HE told me to STAY home & now that I don't bring anything to the table, he fell out of love.

But its not like I didn't know. I knew he fell out of love a loooong time ago. You know a man loves you when he looks at you, you can see it in his eyes, you know by his touch, his way of showing his affection, little glances he gives you when he thinks no one is looking. I believe it or not had this once, so I am saying this from experience. I was just waiting, hoping he would see me for me & realize. But I was never a person that he loved. I was just a paycheck towards the life he wants that he loved. He loved my "earning potential" as he put it.

I have been the blame for everything, he refuses to blame himself, its not his drinking, or his excessive spending & not explaining where the money went.. that leads to us having "NOTHING" as he puts it. It is always me, I bought too much groceries, I paid too many bills, I smoke too much. If he could he would blame me smoking for his entire reason as why he has no money. Never mind that he smokes too & drinks. His high school diploma is better than mine. His job ( that I got him through a friend) makes him better than me.

Do you know what it is like to be told you are nothing & worthless on a daily basis by your own husband? Do you know what is like to be lonely in a marriage? Do you know what it does to you to give up every part of your identity in hopes that he will love you... You become so far removed from yourself, that you cant even decipher who you really are anymore. Do you know what it feels like to sit in a house day after day & not talk. Hours & hours can pass with no words leaving your mouth.

At some point, I was crying last night & said "Tell me to leave, if you are that miserable tell me to go, I love you Patrick so I am not going to walk away, but if you tell me to go what choice do I have."

This was followed by... No, because how would that look. I am not giving you money every week like I do Laura. You go if you want, but I am not going to tell you to leave, because then I will look like the dick. But if you leave you leave with nothing because you are NOTHING. If you take that truck I will hire polish kids to come there & smash out every window & slash every tire, & make that car so it will never drive again. You take the blue car because you are a piece of shit so you should drive a piece of shit.

I don't know, I needed to vent. It kills me because if the marriage ends, I lose so much.... Not only do I lose Pat, but his family, his daughter, the friends I have here. I stand to lose everything, emotionally.... & I feel like I already have. My heart hurts so bad right now.

New addition to the family.....

NO I AM NOT PREGNANT..... I am not that insane people! My little Taylor is more than enough for me!

We got a puppy! A little black & white Lab mix we named Brutus! He is adorable... except when he goes to the bathroom & I have to clean it... Then not so much. But here he is!

Oh Mr.Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, where the hell are you?

Lately the only thing getting me through the day is thinking, as Annie would sing.... The sun will come out TOMORROW, which is then usually followed by or maybe the day after... My body is aching for SUN!! I need to feel it on my face! WHERE ARE YOU SUMMER????? The thought of the beach, bbq's, parties with the family, seeing my chicas.... seems still so far away with this weather. I can't take much more of the dark & dreary that this weather continues to bring. I need HEAT! I just want to pack up & the car & head to the city already.

I should be here at Robert Moses with a blanket, oil, cooler, my NB & Meggers. Just laying, soaked in sun & salt water, taking a detour to the lighthouse & waiting on an endless line for nasty soggy fries, that we continue to buy every time....

Something to think about

Sorry I haven't written lately, I just haven't felt up to it.... But I did just receive this email of a column someone wrote of the 45 things life has taught her... I enjoyed it so I thought I would share....

1. Life isn't fair , but it's still good.
2. When in doubt , just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate , resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret , you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful , beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life , don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles , use the nice sheets , wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare , then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. You can't make someone love you & you probably can't change them.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is , it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is , not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel , get up , dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow , but it's still a gift."

Limits

Have you ever reached your limit?

Whether it be a limit of bullshit, drama, excuses, irrationality.. Whatever, but you know just when you feel like you are about to snap. Because you have let someone into your life that just pushes & pushes .... Eventually you will reach the edge.

At first you keep your mouth shut, thinking this will blow over, then you start to voice how you feel but it goes ignored, then you start to really give warnings that they are coming dangerously close to your limit... You threaten to abandon the relationship, which ever sort of relationship you hold with this person, but that is ignored..... Then it goes from being tolerable, to you just want out. You don't care how or why, but you have put up with enough, you have been selfless enough, you have taken enough "abuse". You feel like if you have to deal with this situation for another second you are going to go somewhere dark & scary in your head that you don't ever want to be. I have been to this "place" before, its not pretty.

How much of yourself can you give to another person before YOU disappear? How much can one person take without ever giving anything back? I just cant anymore... It is becoming too much for me.....

Breathe.......

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...

I feel like 20 million pounds have been lifted. After a very stressful 2 weeks of not knowing where or if we would have a place to move to... We DO! We signed a rental agreement last night for a lovely 3 bedroom home. It is month to month so we can leave at anytime if we should find something a little closer to the area we want to be in! Though the thought of packing again if it's not for a house we own makes me want to scream, so let's say I wont be looking too hard over the summer!

So today we are packed & we will be moving on out of here... I will miss this house. I loved this house. I just hated the drama this house brought with psycho bitch aka the landlord.

I can't wait to plant a little garden, have a little bbq, set a room for Taylor.... All very exciting!

So I will write & post pics once we are settled.... Until then... Take a deep breath, everything really does work out in the end, sometimes you just have to sweat it out till the last minute!

It's just stuff....

That's what Oprah said... Just stuff.. We all need to simplify...

Lately Oprah has become my guru. Leave to a woman who has everything & nobody... LOL.

I went to a consignment shop the other day & made my first second hand purchase. With this I felt torn. I was ashamed that I lost part of me who never cared how much something cost, cause I did, then I also felt guilt. Guilt for spending money at all.

I have so much guilt when it comes to spending any money lately that I even found myself in conflict with myself, trying to justify spending the money on the $3.00 outfits that I was purchasing for my kids. Clothes that were in like new condition, mostly name brand, that was a fraction of the retail cost. I only spent $40 in total & got Alyssa & Taylor basically a whole summer wardrobe each. But it ate away at me the whole way home that I spent that $40.00, it eats at me still. I think it is because of my former " problem" with spending out of control.

I know thanks to therapy that because in my childhood I never felt like I had nice things.. (trust me I know I always had enough) but I never had what the other kids had because we didn't have the money. I always wanted more, I always wanted name brands, $4.00 socks from the Gap. So once I had my own $ I made sure I had everything I wanted. I shopped, I was an addict, I had an addiction, some call it a shopping addiction, I call it a lifestyle addiction fueled by jealously.

Now had I been responsible & patient, I would have been able to have it "ALL" in moderation, in time. In time..... that was never good enough for me. I HAD to have it then, right that second and after right that second when I HAD what it was that I could NOT live without, I was onto the next thing... Nothing made me happy... Nothing satisfied, nothing made me feel whole or equal which is what I was trying to do with this....I still never felt good enough or equal to my friends, though I usually had more than they could ever want, but it still wasn't good enough.

Now mix that with a child, another addict to which I was the responsible addict, bills & an apartment... It was a downward spiral. Luckily I was never credit card happy... I was a cash person, I still am. I always worked & I worked hard to make a name for myself in the industry I love to insure that Alyssa was taken care of.

When I would stop for a minute I would realize. That is when I would put money away & towards the end I was pretty good, but one addicts recovery is another's pot of gold... Let's just leave it at that & though reality had sort of hit me in the face about a year before the life altering move... Addictions of a human habit I had... Guess who... Left me with nothing.

I know this post is going to be all over the place but bare with me, I have alot of emotions pent up about non-sense.

So upon moving here I was still trying to be Elena from Massapequa... But now I am Elena the frugal. Do I miss my former self & the luxuries I allowed myself.. Some of it, but do I now have the knowledge to know that I would never have been happy & I am equally as happy finding ways to save money.. YES!!!

So that brings me to this morning.. I don't know where the above came from, that was not my intent when I sat down to start this, but out it came so there you have it.

This morning I was packing up for the move in 10 days to the location of I have no clue because we still don't have one... but that is besides the point.

I was going through my closet... Thinking what could I drop off at the consignment shop so I can make a little money. As I was placing items on the bed I could tell you exactly where I bought it, how much it cost, who I was with, where I wore it to ( usually an outfit was bought for a Friday or Saturday night). I had pile of almost 20 pair of jeans that I have been holding onto because of the brand though they are all too big, sweatshirts that I never wear but was saving because they were from Abercrombie, sweaters that are too big or are just not my style anymore, blouses, button ups, dresses that I have worn now to more than 1 occasion on both sides of the family, high heels, lots of heels.... about 20 belts, dress pants, bags... Everything like new, all of it from when I lived in LI. That pile for some reason made me feel so many emotions.....

It made me sad, as if I was throwing out the last of the old me. Everything I thought I was, everything I wanted to be, everything I had left that tied me to my old self, it was like saying goodbye to someone you once knew so well that now you barely recognize. Part of it felt like throwing out a memory, a night that I did not have pictures of but could tell you exactly what happened by looking at the shirt or jeans or shoes.....

After that it brought on a mad type of feeling. ( I feel like Dr. Seuss.. I was sad, then mad, but will I be glad?) I was mad that I once allowed myself to be so consumed by things, cause that's all they were - THINGS. Things that I had acquired which caused me to ruin personal relationships, stopped me from allowing personal relationships to ever take place because they couldn't offer me these THINGS, things that I felt would make me whole. I remembered every outfit & how I thought it would make me feel to wear it.. It never made me feel the way I wanted to.

But then I felt released... I felt a weight lifted off of me, like all the bad that came from the needing it of it all would now bring some good if only a few dollars to help my family, to help me prosper in the new life I have created. Plus where the hell do I wear heels anymore? My new "bag" is a Vera Bradley diaper bag.. yes still a label , but Meg bought it, not me.. LMAO.

The things no longer fit my lifestyle. A lifestyle that is the exact opposite of what I wanted all these things for, a lifestyle that I would never have thought I would love but do! A mother, a wife, a homemaker, a cook in training, a gardener to be once we get a little piece of earth, a crafter - soon to be my new business - all which requires getting dirty, sweatpants & flip flops seasonally replaced with Uggs ( Sorry I cant give that up - there is no comparison plus its once every 5 years) When it calls for it I can still Glam up, but that is not practical for my everyday anymore.

So as Oprah said, it's just stuff... to her maybe, but she has everything she wants, to me it was part of my history, but a chapter I am glad to close.

Ugh

Sorry I haven't written lately....

There is so much going on that I am completely overwhelmed & stressed to my max. All of this of course causes anger & I do not want this to be my outlet... It would scare people if I let it all out on here, so once everything settles down hopefully over the next 2 weeks then I can get back to normal...

So until then....... I will leave you with words that my very wise Aunty sent to me for our upcoming celebration of Moms.....

If you have a kid:
If you have a pet:
If you have a husband:
If you are a caretaker:
If you have elderly parents:
If you are ‘helping’ a friend:
If you are giving good advice, if you are listening, if you are caring, if you are loving, then you are mothering: Happy Mother's Day!!

There was fun & there was sun.....

But NO beach... guilt was the main contender in the NOT going to the beach portion... Guilt for leaving Taylor. But I had a good time with the family outside all weekend, Taylor, Lissi & I all had our bathing suits on for Aunty's " water park" creation that she made for the kids. So all in all it was good time. I got a little color but not nearly the shade of red I wanted to be. It will happen, we still have plenty of nice weather left!

So busy month coming up for Pat & I! We have our lovely Tori's 8th birthday this weekend! Invited over the family for some food & cake on Saturday.. Then the following weekend is mothers day & I already have a brunch planned with my mom, my grandpa who is finally returning home from Florida with his wife! LOL.

Then the 16th my Father & Noreen are coming up for the weekend. Saturday is the winery release party at my favorite winery & Sunday is mine & Patrick's 1 year wedding anniversary! We made it! Everyone says the first year is the hardest & boy was it... But as Pat would always say to me " I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world" though there are days I am sure we would both like to exchange one another.. LMAO.

The weekend after that we have a wedding in the Catskills which we got a hotel suite for because we had planned on going away that weekend for our anniversary but this is just as nice.. A kid free weekend alone with my Hubby.. We have never had that since we were married... Ok Alyssa may have been gone but Taylor was still here whether it be live or in the belly.. Either way I wasn't sleeping. So I am looking forward to that ALOT.

The weekend of the 30th we have, count them people, not 1, not 2, but 3, BBQ's to go to... Busy. busy, busy!

Then in June I am retiring my exhausted ass in a pile of sand with an ocean front view... Mostly in LI but we are planning to take a week vacation to NC to visit our beloved Frank & Kim who I am missing like crazy!!

Finally.. FUN IN THE SUN!!

The day I have been anticipating since the snow melted... MY FIRST OFFICIAL DAY AT THE BEACH!! That is right the weather channel is saying Sat 84 & Sunday 87... Goodbye Westbrookville, Hello Robert Moses! I am packing up the truck with bathing suits, towels, blankets, the umbrella, sun block & oil, my cooler & I am out.. Of course I will have the kids in there too! I will post pics & all once I am back with my first sunburn of the season! Have to get burned once to get tan!!