Chris Botti

When I am upset I listen to Chris Botti, the song that calms me the most is Thousand kisses deep. It just takes me to a time and place when I couldn't imagine a day that wouldn't be like that time in my life. I thought the sky was the limit and I was soaring.

So today in a low, in a funk, I turned it on, closed my eyes and allowed myself to go there. To that place, to that time. It's so funny how it is all so clear, so right there, every detail, even the feeling of warmth that over took me at that point. This method allows me to breathe, to regroup, to just remember who I was and what I wanted for my life. What I deserve in my life, what everyone person deserves.

It also made me remember a couple of little somethings that someone so long ago wrote to me:

If only I could touch you, and all the things I have come to know would flow through you.
Then you would understand who it is you are to me and how even after all this time, you speak to my soul.

~

The words come slowly some days, not because I careless for you, but because I care so much more.  What I feel runs deep in the quiet places where only you could travel with me.
How does one find the words to write of a part of one's soul that has been give to another.

~

As I am your rock, you are my ocean. I love your ever changing ways and inconsistency like the wave, strong but so fragile at the same time. You make my life whole like salt water that would fill every tiny crevice of jar filled with sand. Life is interesting because no day is ever exactly the same, just like the changing of the tides.


Today is a Chris Botti day. It's all I have left.

Breathe, remember to breathe

I suffer from depression. It runs rampid in my family. I chose for a very long time to ignore it. I am still choosing to ignore it.

I always blamed being sad, disappointed, angry and unmotivated, irrational, short tempered and the constant feeling of suffocation on anything and everything.... the current circumstance, the people I was surrounded by, anything but what it really was.

I was not weak. I would not allow myself to think I was weak. Depression meant weakness to me. I was told and I am still told by so many people that I "am so strong", " I wish I had your strength", "you are the strongest person I know"... So I forced myself to believe that it HAD to be true, right? I was a strong person.

No, I'm not strong, I'm just good at not showing what's really going on in my head. I am weak. I am scared.

My whole life I have felt inatiquate. I have felt like less. Like an out cast. I have always been uncomfortable in my own skin. Always felt like I was on the verge of exploding and falling apart into thousands of pieces. Many nights, more than I care to admit, I had gone to bed praying I wouldn't wake up so that this feeling of crawling in my own skin would go away.

 And for those who know me, they propbably are wondering how? I was always outgoing and social and smiling, lots of friends, things came naturally to me... It was all fake. A front. A facade.

Still is.

I am my own worst enemy. I am always sold myself short. I know this, but that voice in my head just wont shut the fuck up, ever. You're worthless. You're nothing. You're a joke. You don't deserve ________.
You are a fake. You're a piece of shit. Look at you, you're ugly, fat, you know nothing. I can't quiet it, I can turn it down, but it's always there. Taunting me.

I think that's why I always surrounded myself with people, men in particular, who would take that voice out of my head and into their mouths. Just so I didn't think I was crazy, just for confirmation that what I thought, to be truth, it must have been because they were saying it too, right?

Abusive always seemed easier to me than an actual loving person. Because partly or mostly I felt I deserve it. In some ways I still do. Because they did to me in reality what I do to me privately.

I always am draw to people with problems. I feel the need to try to fix them because I cant fix myself. I can't hear their demons. People that are more fucked up than I am. So I can feel normal even if for just a second.

Lately, I am having trouble breathing. I am antsy and I feel myself slipping. I feel my skin crawling and I feel the urge to go, escape. But I can't run, cause I can't run from myself.  All I want to do is sleep. Because the only time I can't hear the taunts is when I sleep.

I just want to be able to sit still. I want to be able to breathe. I want to not claw at myself because I can't stand myself.  I want to feel SOMETHING. I am tired of being numb or just angry and sad.

I took medication. I was too calm, too passive, too whatever, too mellow. I felt like a walking zombie, different from the zombie I feel like normally.

I just feel trapped right now and its causing me to have anxiety. Trapped in my head. I dont want to talk to anyone. I dont want to go anywhere. I think I am developing social anxiety. The only places I feel safe and comfortable are home and at my grandmothers. Everywhere else I have to act.

It takes a lot for me to let anyone in. Very few people really know me. There are very few people I trust and love. But the ones I do, I love them more than I could ever love myself. These are people who have been on this fucking roller coaster with me and know my demons, but they see past them.

I don't have any of those people around me anymore, they are so far away and I feel them slipping further and further with each passing year. I miss them. I am homesick for them. I want to be near them. I need to be near them to be healthy. I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what the right answer is. I am missing so much. I am so lost right now. I feel very alone all the time lately.

I do, I do

My favorite part of everyday with my little one is when "Boo" comes up to me in the morning and we snuggle. Every morning I say, " Good morning my best girl. I love you so much" and in return she says,
"Mommy I love you" while her little hands are around my neck. I ask her every time, " You do?" and she always replies,"I do, I do!"


Sometimes I even get a, " You're my best mommy in the whoooole world" Those days are my absolute favorite and I know in spite of all my doubts, I must  be doing something right.

Inside my head for a minute...

I was on the phone with a friend and I wasn't pay attention... She caught me and said, I would LOVE to be in your head for a bit...So here I will give you ONE minute inside my head...I am timing this (luckily I type almost as fast as I think)

• 8:03 Lissi has 7 minutes till the bus
• Thank god its breakfast for lunch today and I don't have to make a sandwich for her
• Tea is ready
• Who ever thought of ice cube trays was genius
• I really should get in the shower
• Is she done in there? I want to take a shower
• I have to get mom
• I have to cancel bible study
• Have to get Lissi an outfit for all county chorus
• Will the food coloring be off Tay's face by Sat
• I am missing garage sales Saturday
• I have to pack up that order to the UK
• Why aren't I selling much lately at MushMonkey
• I should mop the floors
• Christian Grey
• I hope my books come soon
• Christian Grey
• I need to plant those seeds
• Is the camera charged
• I need to be on the beach badly
• I need a new bathing suit
• I should really start working out
• YEA RIGHT
• Maybe its all the sugar in my tea that makes me feel chubbster
• Sure its not all the brownies... LOL
• I miss Nanny
• I should call her
• She's not up yet
• 8:04 Lissi has 6 minutes till bus

And that my friends is one minute in my brain...  Oh you want another one OK?

• Gotta text Jess good morning
• Wonder how my other kiddies are?
• White Bright... I need some, best laundry whitener EVER
• Have to send in payment for booth at flea market
• Pull the pails in
• Wonder when moms gonna call
• Shower is free
• crap now I am typing thought and have to wait another minute to get in
• Haven't heard from Fool in a few days
• K I love you have a good day Liss
• I should paint that furniture in the garage while mom is here to help
• Taylor is too quiet right now
• Nursery school, have to call about registration
• Have to hide 50 shades of grey so Liss doesn't come across it
• We should get a cow and some chickens
• That documentary scared me
• He really butchered the cherry blossom tree yesterday
• I need to rearrange the furniture on the first floor
• Shit I have to pick up that table at Gina's
• Mmmm first sip of tea, I love tea
• Thinks its cause I'm English?
• I wish tea was easier to make like in a coffee pot, less steps just brew and be done
• I hate dipping the tea bag
• I wish Dunkin Donuts was closer, tea tastes so much better when someone else makes it
• Why doesn't dunkin donuts sell tea bags?
• Beach
• Girls weekend, we have been talking about it, we should plan it, I will call everyone later
• What should I wear today, god I don't want to straighten my hair
• I wish I had Lissi's hair
• Tay needs a hair cut, gotta make an appointment
• I need my roots done

Enjoy.. it goes on like this all day and through out most of the night... Not even medication can stop this...

Creative Outlets

I am creative by nature. I want to make a million things at any given time. I want to blog, host parties, open my own store, keep the perfect house, plant a beautiful garden, refinish furniture, re-arrange furniture, pretty much anything to do with decorating and creating beauty where I live.

Why? Cause I am good at it. I am not saying that to be cocky, but I am damn good at it. My brain sees things others don't. If I am in your house, bet your ass I am re-arranging your furniture in my head and silently decorating and painting your house from top to bottom. It's not that I don't like your decor ( I might not like it but I would never tell you) but that's what my brain does. It's a sickness I think sometimes. I pick up a little bird figurine or see a damn spoon and create a whole room and color scheme off of that one item.

Better Homes and Gardens is my bible... When most girls were reading YM or Seventeen Magazine I was already idolizing Martha Stewart and hoarding Ikea Catalogs (  Don't judge, I was 15) and BHG. I have hundreds of them. I take pages out and keep them in manila folders... I take pieces here and there and use that as a jumping off and turn it into my own idea.


But I can't do bathrooms. I don't know what it is that my brain cant see in them but I just cant plan them out.
I'll help you down to the color of the drawer organizer to hold your panties, but don't ask me what color to do your bathroom and don't even think about asking me about tile. I can't see it, that's where the brain goes blank.

My goal in life is to be in Better Homes and Gardens magazine. Wearing an obnoxiously preppy almost nautical outfit Why, you ask me again? Because I like stripes in my clothes. I look good in stripes and I like navy blue with white and yellow. Plus I love the ocean. Enough said.

Lately I have been itching. Itching to do SOMETHING in my house to make an impact. Just cleaning it everyday is no longer satisfying my urge. I bought new towels, that held me for like a second till the kids messed them up , fresh spring linens on the beds, that helped me for an hour... Re-arranged my glass front cabinets in the kitchen but nothing is fulfilling this appetite to decorate. It's like a physical pain I feel when I am unable to have my outlet.

SIDE NOTE : I think this is why I like to get a new apartment almost every single year, it was something new to decorate and organize and arrange... and why buying a house scared the hell out of me, I knew I would get restless.

But my living room, my home's center piece, my heart, is calling to me... Finish me... Make me beautiful... Tell your child to stop drawing on my walls so you can get new furniture already...and don't even get me started on that pathetic excuse of an area rug, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW BIG THIS ROOM IS?And you with your crappy ass little rug. Pffft, step up your game already Miss. I am a damn good decorator.

Oh yes it mocks me.

My living room windows are shouting... We need COLOR. We are boring and bare. Yea you made us nice blah curtains but we want to stand out, we deserve to, we are the most beautiful windows on the BLOCK ( it's technically a road, but I am from LI so it's still a block to me) and we need to be dressed up. MAKE US SOMETHING PRETTY WON'T YA, LAY?

And that BIG empty space between the living room and the dining room is taunting me daily yelling " Your husband is a carpenter, built ins woman, get the man to make some freaking built ins... Use your lady powers of persuasion... We need shelves with lots of books and maybe a big ol' clock and lots of art work and more birds, you love birds don't ya?"

Oh your house doesn't talk to you? Mine does. But it's past the point of polite suggestions, it's screaming at me now. All I can say is I know, I know, I am trying, I am getting there, Taylor only grows so fast, Trish can only make things so quickly, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH MONEY, even with the 2nd hand, making it myself, garage sales and thrifting... Hey HOUSE, do I look like Donald Trump to you? Oh you thought those were my pockets over flowing with hundreds, sorry you must have mistaken someone else on the street for me... But did you see where wind blew some of those bills cause Momma needs decorate something...

If I had to compare it, it's like an addict looking for their next fix.

If I was single and had no kids, I would forgo food to decorate. Most women would do that for purses and shoes and clothes and don't get me wrong. I love them too, but not as much as I would coming home to a magazine worthy, white couched, airy and organized house.

If I had the money my house would be beautiful, sick,awesome, A- wait for it- MAZING!.
And one day it will be, but for now slow and steady smothers the creative brain and ups the OCD meds...

So the "conversation" with my house continues...but if I don't get a room finished soon or get to make an impact somewhere to satisfy this urge, I might just be caught in the middle of the night with a paint brush and  a color I will regret in the morning....

Broken.

Life is twisted, complicated maze of emotions. People always say, " Use your head" but I am a person whose heart trumps her head every single time.

Life can be mean, life can be confusing, life can be something that you want to approach as your friend but then it turns around and sucker punches you square in the face and it goes from being something you loved to something that has you filled with anger.

Anger is the emotion that has fueled me for a while now. Anger, resentment and hatred. It's easy to let those three things rule above all other emotions. It's easier to sit there and be angry and point blame and feel bad for yourself and your situation. Anger believe it or not, is safe. You are protected in your anger. You keep everyone at bay with anger. You don't let anyone in with anger. Me and anger were best friends for a while now. But being besties with anger is like hanging out with the kids your mom warned you about. You know you shouldn't. You know its trouble. And you know its going to leave you empty.

Emptiness is also an emotion, or lack of emotion I have burdened myself with. When you are in a situation where you love and you give and you love and you give and you get nothing in return for the duration but you ache for something, ANYTHING and get NOTHING, you are left with nothing to give and you feel empty. Hollow. Numb. You feel as if you live in a void. Just going through the motions to get through one more day, resenting your life because this IS your life.

Resentment, is easy. You can resent anyone, for anything. You can put blame anywhere to justify why you are right and how that person wronged you.

Sure, these are all great if you want to walk around like an empty shell person forever. And at some point I think I came to terms with being just that, I decided its better to feel nothing than to feel like I am nothing.

Everyone has their breaking point. Everyone has their tolerance level for bullshit. Everyone has a moment in their life that puts a crack in them a little bigger than the rest which finally breaks them. Sometimes these cracks cannot be repaired. Sometimes these cracks make you look in the mirror and ask who is this person looking back at me. Where did I go and what does this stranger want?

I broke. Finally. I allowed people to put little cracks in me over the years and I just ignored them. Little ones that I could have repaired. But I left them and pretended like they weren't there. Because I was strong and nothing and no one could hurt me.. Yea OK.  Then someone put a crack in my structure and continued to work at that crack until it broke me. Until it broke us. But he was broken already too.

Do you know what it feels like to break? Its like losing your balance and someone spinning you out of control at the same time. But while your trying to steady yourself you have to smile and pretend like you can still walk a straight line.

Mine was 2 weeks ago. The weekend prior I took a weekend for me. Time to heal. Time to sit and evaluate my life and what I wanted, sort through emotions... But I knew that weekend was just a facade. I knew that I was just as empty when I came home, if not more so then before I left. I came home Monday feeling worse than I did before I left.

You know you are in trouble when all you want to do is get in your car, alone, and just disappear. Its was an urge that was physically manifesting itself in my body. Run, Run, RUN. Leave NOW. Get out. Make it stop, make it all go away... Was all I heard in my head.Your brain has to fight your body so that  you don't just leave. I wish I could describe the state I was in or the actually physical pain I felt when those emotions began to take me over, but I can't, and frankly I don't want to revisit them.



Then that Tues. I broke. The anger boiled out of me like steam from a tea kettle. Anger was followed by hurt. This hurt had me stuck in my bed crying for days. I felt like I was losing my mind. Like I was finally going insane. At one point I thought maybe I should be committed. Crying, sleeping and yelling and crying and sleeping. That was all I was capable of and the sleeping was mostly so that I wouldn't just run out the door and never look back.

But after the crying and the sleeping and the yelling, 15 years worth of bottled up emotion, I realized, I don't have to be strong anymore. I don't have to hold it all together anymore. Its OK to be scared. Its OK to be mad and angry as long as I don't let that over take everything else. It's OK to break. It's OK to move on and not harbor all the bad, just because you let it go doesn't mean you will forget it. I realized maybe I can heal, maybe I can trust.


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