Home

I have been questioning where this is a ton over the past few days.

Being around family & friends makes it both easier and harder, since everyone has an opinion. I have to say I am usually on the outside of these situations telling other people my "advice" or what I would do if I was them and now that I am, I was completely wrong in my views.

It's so easy for someone to say leave. Move back. Start over. It's so easy in their minds to pack up your life, kids, & uproot all senses of normalicy while turning everyones world upside down. It's so easy for someone who doesnt love him to say, you have given it your all, come home now.

But the truth is, since being here, that is my HOME, with him, in our house, with our kids. I always called LI home, but after being here for more than just a vacation, I realize that it is no longer my home. Yes it is a place that holds my childhood, teens, Alyssa's early childhood memories, but you can't live your present in memories. There is one very important part of my life that is missing here, my husband. Plus the noise & traffic here are awful... Ha Ha

We have problems, yes, it seems hopeless at times, yes, it becomes overwhelming, yes, but the truth of the matter is I love him. I am not going to give up on us & from talking to him the past 2 days he doesnt want to either. So I go home, we try. The best thing we can do is try. Too many people just give up.

We both needed this time & space, we both needed to step back from the situation & put things into perspective. I believe he has & I know I have.

I am not quite ready to leave here yet, but I know I am not ready to stay here either.

White Horse

I have heard this song a million times before, each time just singing the words but never really listening to the lyrics, but I heard it today as I let Alyssa's ipod just go through the list as I was driving. This song made me break down & cry. I don't believe that there could be a more appropriate song for what I am feeling at the moment.

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake, I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Try and catch me now
Oh, it's too late
To catch me now

Waiting...

The past 24 hours I have had this knot in my stomach. It gets worse as each hour passes & no call from him.

Everyone keeps saying maybe he needs time to process, to think of what to say, maybe he is trying to "show" you.... My gut is saying, he doesn't care. He is out, getting drunk, acting like a single with no care in the world. My gut feels that a big F*ck her is or has already left his mouth.

I am not innocent in this, I am not saying I am without flaws, but when & if, which was rare, he would point out something that annoyed him, or upset him, I would immediately do what I could within my power to try to correct it or not do it.

I feel like my words constantly fell upon deaf ears... Like he saw my mouth moving but had such a skill of actually tuning out what I would say, that he would yes me to death in hopes of getting me to shut up, so he could go back to what he was doing.

I am crawling out of my skin right now, waiting, wondering, waiting, because this waiting period is going to decide the rest of 4 people's lives directly..... Really the ball is in his court & I am waiting to see what his move is. I had to leave this up to him, I make every other decision in ours lives without him ever helping, I needed him as the man, to decide our future.

I can't be the only one to care. I can't be the only one who loves. I can't continue to be in my marriage alone. It is the worst feeling to be married & be lonely constantly.... All I ever asked of him was to love me, to talk with me, to show affection every now & then, to respect me, to work as a team rather than opposing forces, to remember birthdays & holidays. Stuff that normally comes natural to most people, especially if they are in love or care for someone. All I ever wanted from him was to feel loved & on a very random occasion, maybe even a little special.

Reality...

Yesterday had proven to be one of the hardest days of my life yet.

I had an argument with myself the whole day as to whether or not I was doing the right thing.
As I packed I argued, as I cleaned the house one last time I argued, as I packed the car up I was in an all out war with myself. Driving to my in laws to say goodbye & drop off the dogs food, I was on the verge of tears. As I walked out of their house I lost all composer. Something I had tried all day to maintain in order to prove to myself that I was doing the right thing. After losing all my composer I head to Hope's house.

This is the part that really sucks for me.... I finally, after living here for 2 years found a friend, a good, close friend who I actually had alot in common with & could easily talk to. I believe she feels the same about me. She also has a daughter that Alyssa has become best friends with, so this is hard on both of us. So I walked into her house just to give her a hug & ask her once more if she thinks I am doing the right thing.

As I pulled out my driveway yesterday I remember looking into my rear view mirror at my house, a house I just turned into a home for us, hoping that this would be his wake up call. Hoping that I was wrong & that he did love me enough, love himself enough & love the kids enough, & that we would all be home soon. As that thought passed through my head I found myself choking down that lump that sadness always brings to your throat.


It was the longest ride of my life yesterday. A ride that I had made a million times it seems, but this one was different. This wasn't a social visit with the family, it wasn't for a weekend of fun with friends. This trip could possibly change my life as I know it forever. That is the thought that accompanied me the whole ride. Should I turn around.... I could make it back before he gets home & he would never know. What if I did & he didn't come home till late, then it would just prove that I should have left & I wasn't making a mistake.

Once here I was immediately greeted with the faces I knew I was needing to give me comfort, guidance ( though maybe they aren't the best for guidance since of course they are biased, I came to realize)but love, a few jokes & just noise to override the thoughts in my head.

After sitting around talking for a little, I knew it was time to bring my stuff in the house. I hadn't done this right away in case I had changed my mind & wanted to go home. But I knew I had to, it was now 9pm & he had yet to call , almost 3 hours after he was supposed to be home from work.

11pm.... No call, the baby was still awake, due to her new surroundings, the dog needed a walk, Lissi was restless, & I needed to just breathe some fresh air, sooo I did something I long to do everyday while living in Westbrookville. I put the baby in the carriage, Lissi on her scooter, the dog on the leash & walked, and walked and walked, like I was trying to walk off all thoughts cluttering my mind.

Taylor loved the the cool breeze & all the houses & lights to look at, Lissi was happy to ride her scooter over the bumps in the sidewalk & without having to stop every 3 feet for cars coming up the road & Brutus was like a little sniffing sleuth following the millions of trails from all the other dogs who had walked the streets before him. I was just walking, thinking, this is all I wanted from him, just to walk with me, just to spend time with me enjoying the simple things in life, just to hold my hand & adore the family we created & be happy with that. He should be with me. He should be here. Why can't this be enough for him to be happy, why doesn't he love me enough...
Why Why why why why....... Why hasn't he called? Does he even care?

I went to bed last night after getting Taylor off to sleep, Lissi settled & grabbing my "boy" Bruttie, All of us in a 10x10 room, with tears in my eyes, I quietly whispered into the air as if my husband could hear me... I love you Patrick, Good night.

Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones....

And honestly sometimes I think I would prefer that.

His words cut through me like a knife. They are so mean, so hateful, so unlike anything I have ever heard out of anyones mouth directed at a person that they are supposed to love above anyone else.

How can you say things like that, then 5 minutes later go on like nothing happened, it's like living with Jykel & Hyde, never knowing what you are getting from minute to minute.

I have been in relationships where I have been physically abused in the past... But this is torture, to sit here & continuously love someone that doesn't even treat you with respect. Someone that daily tells you in so many words that you are a piece of shit, that blames his issues that he had way before you on you. I was with an addict for 10 plus years, I know the routine of passing the blame. I know it's not my fault, but if you hear something enough you start to believe it.

I love him, I do, in every sense of the word, but it's time to love me, it's time for me to be selfish.

Tomorrow I am going home. I need space. I need to clear my head. I need my family & friends.

I need him to see what life without me & the kids is like... Maybe he will realize, maybe he won't, but either way I need the mental break from the names that really do hurt me.

You cant go back but for a moment.....

There are times where I find myself stressed out, missing a certain period of my life.
A time that to me was care free, more innocent, simpler, happier & when I felt the most alive. A time that I felt I was at peace with the world. This was a time that I was sure of who I was, what I stood for, where I was headed. I was secure in my relationships with friends, family, co-workers. I felt like I was on top of the world & I couldn't ask for anything more than what I had.

The world was mine & Lissi's to do with it what we pleased. I felt like we had such immense amounts of time to do everything our hearts desired. We could just pick up after dinner & go for a walk, jump in the car & head to the beach for the day, go to the park, zoo, botanical gardens, the city, the bike path, museums & so much more, we were girls on the go!

I also had this luxury in my relationships with friends. Dinner, movies, bars, shopping, lunching, nights out with a nice bottle of wine, quick run to the nail salon because it was a rough week & we deserved it, the beach & whatever else we wanted to do on my Lissi free days...

There are times when I miss this soo much it consumes me. Times where it's the company I miss, the simple act of calling my friends & knowing in 30 minutes we would be trying on a million different outfits for where ever it was we were going to go, or knowing that Lisa would be coming over with her slippers on for a movie, dinner & a sleepover. Knowing that if I was having a bad day I could see Lisa, Mary or Meg & they would be there to throw me off my pity train.

I miss walking into work sometimes, knowing my job inside & out, dressed up, meaning business & getting down to business, being the girl who hung with the boys & bossed them around, joking with guys, the camaraderie working in a dealership brought to me. I miss the traveling, the meetings, going to seminars to learn more.... I miss it... A lot.

But I can go back & I do... Sometimes its as simple as closing my eyes, feeling the sun on my face & allowing my brain to take me there, take me out of my head, away from the stress & put me on my blanket that I bought at the Jazz Festival in Hartford. That blanket has been everywhere & my happiest memories are on that blanket. Old Westbury Gardens, the beach, Picnic at Mark Twain's house, the Catskills in the fall, random stops on the side of the road simply to watch the sunset, Belmont Park, the duck park, jazz festival (obviously), montauk, everywhere......

All I have to do is close my eyes & I am there, with people I love, that love me the most. People that love me for me, all of me, the good the bad & the ugly. People who I am not sure understand just how much my heart aches for them everyday.

It can all change in the blink of an eye.....

** This blog has to do with Me & Patrick. It is real, it is honest, it something I need to get off my chest. If you are going to get mad at me over it please dont read it, but it is MY life & I am free to talk about it & right now I need to talk about it**


What would you do if the person you love, your husband, you child's father, hesitated when prompted with the question "Are you in love with me?"

This was our house last night. An argument ensued over the lack of respect for me. The going out every night after work & staying out till all hours of the night without calling. The coming home drunk on occasion, the lack of help in the house & with the kids. The way I am "spoken" to on a daily basis.The lack of affection, conversation & whatever else I am hurting about.

I am good at putting on a smile, I am good at hiding & being a show pony in front of other people. I am good at waiting.... Unfortunately I have become a pro at the waiting over the course of my life. Waiting for people to do the right thing, waiting for people to realize, waiting for everything.

The hesitation was followed by the MOST devastating comment I have ever heard..... " I thought you were going to make between 60 & 80 grand a year. You don't, I would have found someone who did & fell in love with her eventually.I would probably be better off without you, you are a burden & a headache. You COST too much money"

Let me clarify exactly how much $ I cost. I buy groceries once a month. This excludes formula & diapers. I buy all the paper products, cleaning, detergents, shampoo & tolietries, as well as meat, & food.... ONCE A MONTH $300.00. I do have to spend around 25 a week on formula & 20 every 2 weeks on diapers. I also have to buy fruits every 2 weeks for Lissi cause they GO BAD!
I pay the cable, phone, electric, car ins, propane & try TRY to pay off one or two of our old bills which were accumulated prior to our meeting a month, in order to achieve this dream of home ownership. I fill up my car once a week for $52.00 & yes I buy cigarettes daily. I dont however purchase clothes, makeup shoes, bags, eat out, get hair nails or toes done, I dont get my eyebrows done, I buy the kids clothes at a consignment shop if & when I buy them something. I dont take them anywhere that costs any money & maybe every 2 months I will drive home to see MY family & MY friends for a weekend for the total trip costing $70.50, because lord knows the guilt I have if I even dare spend $20 to go out with my friends.

But it is ok to come home on payday with a paystub that says $952.00 but with only $160.00 in your pocket then wonder why we cant pay the bills? COME ON!

Money..... My least favorite topic, the ruin of all relationships. ALL OF THEM. Some because I made too much, now it's because HE told me to STAY home & now that I don't bring anything to the table, he fell out of love.

But its not like I didn't know. I knew he fell out of love a loooong time ago. You know a man loves you when he looks at you, you can see it in his eyes, you know by his touch, his way of showing his affection, little glances he gives you when he thinks no one is looking. I believe it or not had this once, so I am saying this from experience. I was just waiting, hoping he would see me for me & realize. But I was never a person that he loved. I was just a paycheck towards the life he wants that he loved. He loved my "earning potential" as he put it.

I have been the blame for everything, he refuses to blame himself, its not his drinking, or his excessive spending & not explaining where the money went.. that leads to us having "NOTHING" as he puts it. It is always me, I bought too much groceries, I paid too many bills, I smoke too much. If he could he would blame me smoking for his entire reason as why he has no money. Never mind that he smokes too & drinks. His high school diploma is better than mine. His job ( that I got him through a friend) makes him better than me.

Do you know what it is like to be told you are nothing & worthless on a daily basis by your own husband? Do you know what is like to be lonely in a marriage? Do you know what it does to you to give up every part of your identity in hopes that he will love you... You become so far removed from yourself, that you cant even decipher who you really are anymore. Do you know what it feels like to sit in a house day after day & not talk. Hours & hours can pass with no words leaving your mouth.

At some point, I was crying last night & said "Tell me to leave, if you are that miserable tell me to go, I love you Patrick so I am not going to walk away, but if you tell me to go what choice do I have."

This was followed by... No, because how would that look. I am not giving you money every week like I do Laura. You go if you want, but I am not going to tell you to leave, because then I will look like the dick. But if you leave you leave with nothing because you are NOTHING. If you take that truck I will hire polish kids to come there & smash out every window & slash every tire, & make that car so it will never drive again. You take the blue car because you are a piece of shit so you should drive a piece of shit.

I don't know, I needed to vent. It kills me because if the marriage ends, I lose so much.... Not only do I lose Pat, but his family, his daughter, the friends I have here. I stand to lose everything, emotionally.... & I feel like I already have. My heart hurts so bad right now.

New addition to the family.....

NO I AM NOT PREGNANT..... I am not that insane people! My little Taylor is more than enough for me!

We got a puppy! A little black & white Lab mix we named Brutus! He is adorable... except when he goes to the bathroom & I have to clean it... Then not so much. But here he is!

Oh Mr.Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, where the hell are you?

Lately the only thing getting me through the day is thinking, as Annie would sing.... The sun will come out TOMORROW, which is then usually followed by or maybe the day after... My body is aching for SUN!! I need to feel it on my face! WHERE ARE YOU SUMMER????? The thought of the beach, bbq's, parties with the family, seeing my chicas.... seems still so far away with this weather. I can't take much more of the dark & dreary that this weather continues to bring. I need HEAT! I just want to pack up & the car & head to the city already.

I should be here at Robert Moses with a blanket, oil, cooler, my NB & Meggers. Just laying, soaked in sun & salt water, taking a detour to the lighthouse & waiting on an endless line for nasty soggy fries, that we continue to buy every time....

Something to think about

Sorry I haven't written lately, I just haven't felt up to it.... But I did just receive this email of a column someone wrote of the 45 things life has taught her... I enjoyed it so I thought I would share....

1. Life isn't fair , but it's still good.
2. When in doubt , just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate , resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret , you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful , beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life , don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles , use the nice sheets , wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare , then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. You can't make someone love you & you probably can't change them.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is , it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is , not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel , get up , dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow , but it's still a gift."