Have you ever reached your limit?
Whether it be a limit of bullshit, drama, excuses, irrationality.. Whatever, but you know just when you feel like you are about to snap. Because you have let someone into your life that just pushes & pushes .... Eventually you will reach the edge.
At first you keep your mouth shut, thinking this will blow over, then you start to voice how you feel but it goes ignored, then you start to really give warnings that they are coming dangerously close to your limit... You threaten to abandon the relationship, which ever sort of relationship you hold with this person, but that is ignored..... Then it goes from being tolerable, to you just want out. You don't care how or why, but you have put up with enough, you have been selfless enough, you have taken enough "abuse". You feel like if you have to deal with this situation for another second you are going to go somewhere dark & scary in your head that you don't ever want to be. I have been to this "place" before, its not pretty.
How much of yourself can you give to another person before YOU disappear? How much can one person take without ever giving anything back? I just cant anymore... It is becoming too much for me.....
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Breathe.......
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...
I feel like 20 million pounds have been lifted. After a very stressful 2 weeks of not knowing where or if we would have a place to move to... We DO! We signed a rental agreement last night for a lovely 3 bedroom home. It is month to month so we can leave at anytime if we should find something a little closer to the area we want to be in! Though the thought of packing again if it's not for a house we own makes me want to scream, so let's say I wont be looking too hard over the summer!
So today we are packed & we will be moving on out of here... I will miss this house. I loved this house. I just hated the drama this house brought with psycho bitch aka the landlord.
I can't wait to plant a little garden, have a little bbq, set a room for Taylor.... All very exciting!
So I will write & post pics once we are settled.... Until then... Take a deep breath, everything really does work out in the end, sometimes you just have to sweat it out till the last minute!
I feel like 20 million pounds have been lifted. After a very stressful 2 weeks of not knowing where or if we would have a place to move to... We DO! We signed a rental agreement last night for a lovely 3 bedroom home. It is month to month so we can leave at anytime if we should find something a little closer to the area we want to be in! Though the thought of packing again if it's not for a house we own makes me want to scream, so let's say I wont be looking too hard over the summer!
So today we are packed & we will be moving on out of here... I will miss this house. I loved this house. I just hated the drama this house brought with psycho bitch aka the landlord.
I can't wait to plant a little garden, have a little bbq, set a room for Taylor.... All very exciting!
So I will write & post pics once we are settled.... Until then... Take a deep breath, everything really does work out in the end, sometimes you just have to sweat it out till the last minute!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
It's just stuff....
That's what Oprah said... Just stuff.. We all need to simplify...
Lately Oprah has become my guru. Leave to a woman who has everything & nobody... LOL.
I went to a consignment shop the other day & made my first second hand purchase. With this I felt torn. I was ashamed that I lost part of me who never cared how much something cost, cause I did, then I also felt guilt. Guilt for spending money at all.
I have so much guilt when it comes to spending any money lately that I even found myself in conflict with myself, trying to justify spending the money on the $3.00 outfits that I was purchasing for my kids. Clothes that were in like new condition, mostly name brand, that was a fraction of the retail cost. I only spent $40 in total & got Alyssa & Taylor basically a whole summer wardrobe each. But it ate away at me the whole way home that I spent that $40.00, it eats at me still. I think it is because of my former " problem" with spending out of control.
I know thanks to therapy that because in my childhood I never felt like I had nice things.. (trust me I know I always had enough) but I never had what the other kids had because we didn't have the money. I always wanted more, I always wanted name brands, $4.00 socks from the Gap. So once I had my own $ I made sure I had everything I wanted. I shopped, I was an addict, I had an addiction, some call it a shopping addiction, I call it a lifestyle addiction fueled by jealously.
Now had I been responsible & patient, I would have been able to have it "ALL" in moderation, in time. In time..... that was never good enough for me. I HAD to have it then, right that second and after right that second when I HAD what it was that I could NOT live without, I was onto the next thing... Nothing made me happy... Nothing satisfied, nothing made me feel whole or equal which is what I was trying to do with this....I still never felt good enough or equal to my friends, though I usually had more than they could ever want, but it still wasn't good enough.
Now mix that with a child, another addict to which I was the responsible addict, bills & an apartment... It was a downward spiral. Luckily I was never credit card happy... I was a cash person, I still am. I always worked & I worked hard to make a name for myself in the industry I love to insure that Alyssa was taken care of.
When I would stop for a minute I would realize. That is when I would put money away & towards the end I was pretty good, but one addicts recovery is another's pot of gold... Let's just leave it at that & though reality had sort of hit me in the face about a year before the life altering move... Addictions of a human habit I had... Guess who... Left me with nothing.
I know this post is going to be all over the place but bare with me, I have alot of emotions pent up about non-sense.
So upon moving here I was still trying to be Elena from Massapequa... But now I am Elena the frugal. Do I miss my former self & the luxuries I allowed myself.. Some of it, but do I now have the knowledge to know that I would never have been happy & I am equally as happy finding ways to save money.. YES!!!
So that brings me to this morning.. I don't know where the above came from, that was not my intent when I sat down to start this, but out it came so there you have it.
This morning I was packing up for the move in 10 days to the location of I have no clue because we still don't have one... but that is besides the point.
I was going through my closet... Thinking what could I drop off at the consignment shop so I can make a little money. As I was placing items on the bed I could tell you exactly where I bought it, how much it cost, who I was with, where I wore it to ( usually an outfit was bought for a Friday or Saturday night). I had pile of almost 20 pair of jeans that I have been holding onto because of the brand though they are all too big, sweatshirts that I never wear but was saving because they were from Abercrombie, sweaters that are too big or are just not my style anymore, blouses, button ups, dresses that I have worn now to more than 1 occasion on both sides of the family, high heels, lots of heels.... about 20 belts, dress pants, bags... Everything like new, all of it from when I lived in LI. That pile for some reason made me feel so many emotions.....
It made me sad, as if I was throwing out the last of the old me. Everything I thought I was, everything I wanted to be, everything I had left that tied me to my old self, it was like saying goodbye to someone you once knew so well that now you barely recognize. Part of it felt like throwing out a memory, a night that I did not have pictures of but could tell you exactly what happened by looking at the shirt or jeans or shoes.....
After that it brought on a mad type of feeling. ( I feel like Dr. Seuss.. I was sad, then mad, but will I be glad?) I was mad that I once allowed myself to be so consumed by things, cause that's all they were - THINGS. Things that I had acquired which caused me to ruin personal relationships, stopped me from allowing personal relationships to ever take place because they couldn't offer me these THINGS, things that I felt would make me whole. I remembered every outfit & how I thought it would make me feel to wear it.. It never made me feel the way I wanted to.
But then I felt released... I felt a weight lifted off of me, like all the bad that came from the needing it of it all would now bring some good if only a few dollars to help my family, to help me prosper in the new life I have created. Plus where the hell do I wear heels anymore? My new "bag" is a Vera Bradley diaper bag.. yes still a label , but Meg bought it, not me.. LMAO.
The things no longer fit my lifestyle. A lifestyle that is the exact opposite of what I wanted all these things for, a lifestyle that I would never have thought I would love but do! A mother, a wife, a homemaker, a cook in training, a gardener to be once we get a little piece of earth, a crafter - soon to be my new business - all which requires getting dirty, sweatpants & flip flops seasonally replaced with Uggs ( Sorry I cant give that up - there is no comparison plus its once every 5 years) When it calls for it I can still Glam up, but that is not practical for my everyday anymore.
So as Oprah said, it's just stuff... to her maybe, but she has everything she wants, to me it was part of my history, but a chapter I am glad to close.
Lately Oprah has become my guru. Leave to a woman who has everything & nobody... LOL.
I went to a consignment shop the other day & made my first second hand purchase. With this I felt torn. I was ashamed that I lost part of me who never cared how much something cost, cause I did, then I also felt guilt. Guilt for spending money at all.
I have so much guilt when it comes to spending any money lately that I even found myself in conflict with myself, trying to justify spending the money on the $3.00 outfits that I was purchasing for my kids. Clothes that were in like new condition, mostly name brand, that was a fraction of the retail cost. I only spent $40 in total & got Alyssa & Taylor basically a whole summer wardrobe each. But it ate away at me the whole way home that I spent that $40.00, it eats at me still. I think it is because of my former " problem" with spending out of control.
I know thanks to therapy that because in my childhood I never felt like I had nice things.. (trust me I know I always had enough) but I never had what the other kids had because we didn't have the money. I always wanted more, I always wanted name brands, $4.00 socks from the Gap. So once I had my own $ I made sure I had everything I wanted. I shopped, I was an addict, I had an addiction, some call it a shopping addiction, I call it a lifestyle addiction fueled by jealously.
Now had I been responsible & patient, I would have been able to have it "ALL" in moderation, in time. In time..... that was never good enough for me. I HAD to have it then, right that second and after right that second when I HAD what it was that I could NOT live without, I was onto the next thing... Nothing made me happy... Nothing satisfied, nothing made me feel whole or equal which is what I was trying to do with this....I still never felt good enough or equal to my friends, though I usually had more than they could ever want, but it still wasn't good enough.
Now mix that with a child, another addict to which I was the responsible addict, bills & an apartment... It was a downward spiral. Luckily I was never credit card happy... I was a cash person, I still am. I always worked & I worked hard to make a name for myself in the industry I love to insure that Alyssa was taken care of.
When I would stop for a minute I would realize. That is when I would put money away & towards the end I was pretty good, but one addicts recovery is another's pot of gold... Let's just leave it at that & though reality had sort of hit me in the face about a year before the life altering move... Addictions of a human habit I had... Guess who... Left me with nothing.
I know this post is going to be all over the place but bare with me, I have alot of emotions pent up about non-sense.
So upon moving here I was still trying to be Elena from Massapequa... But now I am Elena the frugal. Do I miss my former self & the luxuries I allowed myself.. Some of it, but do I now have the knowledge to know that I would never have been happy & I am equally as happy finding ways to save money.. YES!!!
So that brings me to this morning.. I don't know where the above came from, that was not my intent when I sat down to start this, but out it came so there you have it.
This morning I was packing up for the move in 10 days to the location of I have no clue because we still don't have one... but that is besides the point.
I was going through my closet... Thinking what could I drop off at the consignment shop so I can make a little money. As I was placing items on the bed I could tell you exactly where I bought it, how much it cost, who I was with, where I wore it to ( usually an outfit was bought for a Friday or Saturday night). I had pile of almost 20 pair of jeans that I have been holding onto because of the brand though they are all too big, sweatshirts that I never wear but was saving because they were from Abercrombie, sweaters that are too big or are just not my style anymore, blouses, button ups, dresses that I have worn now to more than 1 occasion on both sides of the family, high heels, lots of heels.... about 20 belts, dress pants, bags... Everything like new, all of it from when I lived in LI. That pile for some reason made me feel so many emotions.....
It made me sad, as if I was throwing out the last of the old me. Everything I thought I was, everything I wanted to be, everything I had left that tied me to my old self, it was like saying goodbye to someone you once knew so well that now you barely recognize. Part of it felt like throwing out a memory, a night that I did not have pictures of but could tell you exactly what happened by looking at the shirt or jeans or shoes.....
After that it brought on a mad type of feeling. ( I feel like Dr. Seuss.. I was sad, then mad, but will I be glad?) I was mad that I once allowed myself to be so consumed by things, cause that's all they were - THINGS. Things that I had acquired which caused me to ruin personal relationships, stopped me from allowing personal relationships to ever take place because they couldn't offer me these THINGS, things that I felt would make me whole. I remembered every outfit & how I thought it would make me feel to wear it.. It never made me feel the way I wanted to.
But then I felt released... I felt a weight lifted off of me, like all the bad that came from the needing it of it all would now bring some good if only a few dollars to help my family, to help me prosper in the new life I have created. Plus where the hell do I wear heels anymore? My new "bag" is a Vera Bradley diaper bag.. yes still a label , but Meg bought it, not me.. LMAO.
The things no longer fit my lifestyle. A lifestyle that is the exact opposite of what I wanted all these things for, a lifestyle that I would never have thought I would love but do! A mother, a wife, a homemaker, a cook in training, a gardener to be once we get a little piece of earth, a crafter - soon to be my new business - all which requires getting dirty, sweatpants & flip flops seasonally replaced with Uggs ( Sorry I cant give that up - there is no comparison plus its once every 5 years) When it calls for it I can still Glam up, but that is not practical for my everyday anymore.
So as Oprah said, it's just stuff... to her maybe, but she has everything she wants, to me it was part of my history, but a chapter I am glad to close.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Ugh
Sorry I haven't written lately....There is so much going on that I am completely overwhelmed & stressed to my max. All of this of course causes anger & I do not want this to be my outlet... It would scare people if I let it all out on here, so once everything settles down hopefully over the next 2 weeks then I can get back to normal...
So until then....... I will leave you with words that my very wise Aunty sent to me for our upcoming celebration of Moms.....
If you have a kid:
If you have a pet:
If you have a husband:
If you are a caretaker:
If you have elderly parents:
If you are ‘helping’ a friend:
If you are giving good advice, if you are listening, if you are caring, if you are loving, then you are mothering: Happy Mother's Day!!
If you have a pet:
If you have a husband:
If you are a caretaker:
If you have elderly parents:
If you are ‘helping’ a friend:
If you are giving good advice, if you are listening, if you are caring, if you are loving, then you are mothering: Happy Mother's Day!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
There was fun & there was sun.....
But NO beach... guilt was the main contender in the NOT going to the beach portion... Guilt for leaving Taylor. But I had a good time with the family outside all weekend, Taylor, Lissi & I all had our bathing suits on for Aunty's " water park" creation that she made for the kids. So all in all it was good time. I got a little color but not nearly the shade of red I wanted to be. It will happen, we still have plenty of nice weather left!
So busy month coming up for Pat & I! We have our lovely Tori's 8th birthday this weekend! Invited over the family for some food & cake on Saturday.. Then the following weekend is mothers day & I already have a brunch planned with my mom, my grandpa who is finally returning home from Florida with his wife! LOL.
Then the 16th my Father & Noreen are coming up for the weekend. Saturday is the winery release party at my favorite winery & Sunday is mine & Patrick's 1 year wedding anniversary! We made it! Everyone says the first year is the hardest & boy was it... But as Pat would always say to me " I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world" though there are days I am sure we would both like to exchange one another.. LMAO.
The weekend after that we have a wedding in the Catskills which we got a hotel suite for because we had planned on going away that weekend for our anniversary but this is just as nice.. A kid free weekend alone with my Hubby.. We have never had that since we were married... Ok Alyssa may have been gone but Taylor was still here whether it be live or in the belly.. Either way I wasn't sleeping. So I am looking forward to that ALOT.
The weekend of the 30th we have, count them people, not 1, not 2, but 3, BBQ's to go to... Busy. busy, busy!
Then in June I am retiring my exhausted ass in a pile of sand with an ocean front view... Mostly in LI but we are planning to take a week vacation to NC to visit our beloved Frank & Kim who I am missing like crazy!!
So busy month coming up for Pat & I! We have our lovely Tori's 8th birthday this weekend! Invited over the family for some food & cake on Saturday.. Then the following weekend is mothers day & I already have a brunch planned with my mom, my grandpa who is finally returning home from Florida with his wife! LOL.
Then the 16th my Father & Noreen are coming up for the weekend. Saturday is the winery release party at my favorite winery & Sunday is mine & Patrick's 1 year wedding anniversary! We made it! Everyone says the first year is the hardest & boy was it... But as Pat would always say to me " I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world" though there are days I am sure we would both like to exchange one another.. LMAO.
The weekend after that we have a wedding in the Catskills which we got a hotel suite for because we had planned on going away that weekend for our anniversary but this is just as nice.. A kid free weekend alone with my Hubby.. We have never had that since we were married... Ok Alyssa may have been gone but Taylor was still here whether it be live or in the belly.. Either way I wasn't sleeping. So I am looking forward to that ALOT.
The weekend of the 30th we have, count them people, not 1, not 2, but 3, BBQ's to go to... Busy. busy, busy!
Then in June I am retiring my exhausted ass in a pile of sand with an ocean front view... Mostly in LI but we are planning to take a week vacation to NC to visit our beloved Frank & Kim who I am missing like crazy!!
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