Finally ....My most anticipated day has arrived!!

BASHAKILL VINEYARDS

Today is the day.. The most anticipated day of this year so far for me. The white wine release party at our friend Pauly's winery, The Bashakill Vineyards.

I was never one for white wines, but he makes this one, The White Tail, that I could honestly drink like water. I crave it, & sometimes send my husband out to get me a bottle or 2.

Now being a full time mommy & never getting out makes a day like today very very exciting. A whole day to spend with my husband, hanging out kid free & just being a grown up. It is very much needed for the sanity.

I am sure I will have mommy guilt & be calling to check on Taylor like every 10 minutes, but at the same time I know that this day of adult fun will be followed by a whole nights undisturbed sleep & that lessens the guilt just a little.... I will post more once we have actually gone to talk about the fun we had!!

http://www.bashakillvineyards.com/

I included some pics of Pauly opening the wine.. Getting it ready for me of course!!

Snow + Dentist = Getting Desperate for Grown Up Time

So this morning I wake up to check my email at 5 to see if school was cancelled due to snow... No email till 6:15 but ultimately cancelled. Walked in the bedroom to get a diaper & Pat is home, this makes me really happy. It must be bad out if he is home, turn on the huge flood lights to look at the road, yup it's covered in snow. It even takes me a minute to make out the car in the driveway.

Taylor wakes up around 7:30... & I am contemplating if I can make it to my dentist appointment that I have already rescheduled twice. I really want to go & get it over with. Just a simple cleaning but a very much needed one. Then I get the genius idea.. Hey Pat is home maybe they can squeeze him in too. So around 8 I wake him up & ask him too look outside to see if he thinks we can make it to the dentist. He says NO, but I am thinking he just doesn't want me driving. So I say what if I can get you an appointment will you go.. he says yes but only cause he is sure they wont be open.

I call & they are open, so with a haha I tell Pat he is going & that I am calling his parents to see if we can drop the kids off there & they said it was fine. Now it is time to rush cause its 9 & the appointment is at 10 in Port. You see, Patrick my love, has no concept of time & thinks he can get anywhere in 15 minutes, everything I have to be at appointment wise that he is involved with I am always late for when its just me I am always early. So I immediately get into Drill Sargent mode.. Lissi get dressed, Pat get dressed, brush your teeth, It's OK Taylor, stop crying we are going to see Pop & Grandma, Mommy knows you hate the car seat, Patrick lets go move it. Alyssa are you dressed? Grab the box of Cheerios & bring it there.. Patrick seriously lets go.. Did you clean off the car? Alyssa are you dressed, I know Tay Mommy's right here... All this while I am running from room to room getting dressed & reloading the diaper bag. (I am a little high strung)... Everyone in car.. 9:30 & we are off. The road is interesting to say the least, but Pat can handle it.

Driving there I am thinking.. Am I that desperate for some alone grown up time with Pat that I will venture out in a crapload of snow & soon to be ice storm to go to the dentist?? Answer.. YES. Plus I really wanted my teeth cleaned before Taylor's christening.

We make it to the dentist.. 14 cavities between us, 7 each actually. The dentist was surprised at how good overall our teeth were for not having been to the dentist ever in our whole adult life. Pat wanted to stay to get his fillings, but I was good for the day. So I talked him into scheduling it for another day. Headed to shop rite to get supplies for Taylor, going grocery shopping is something that Pat & I love to do together.... Diapers, wipes, formula of course apples for Lissi, steak for Pat, Milk, 60 dollars later & we are heading home to get the kids.

Sitting here tonight we are both complaining now how our teeth feel weird & hurt kinda cause they aren't used to being so clean. LOL. I just told Pat we are putting on our crest white strips in a minute so we can have gorgeous teeth. He looked at me like I was nuts.. but he will do it.

Make it look good from the outside...

Those who know me know, that I have always been one who needed to keep up appearances.... My house, my wardrobe, current styles, trends, vehicles... Everything.

I was / am one of those people who always thought if it looks good from the outside no one could or would know how broken & messy it was on the inside.. i.e ME.

I am telling you though, lately by not having a choice but to let all the cracks & flaws show, it is very liberating, freeing if you will.

To not have to keep up a persona that you cant really keep up. To be able to say, yes things aren't perfect, times are hard, but we are doing our best......it feels good.

Like driving the beater.. At this point I am grateful that I have a car to get me where I have to go... Of course I want one that I am not afraid will break down but this one is fine for now.
Being able to say for once aloud, we cant afford that. This has always been a problem for me. I used to love to think I could keep up with the Jones'. Using coupons, waiting for sales, going without even though I really want it, not buying something on impulse but thinking about it for a few days to see if it is in fact an impulse buy - 9 out of 10 it is. Even with Pat & me, bickering in front of people, not being all lovey dovey & la ti da.. It feels good cause that's who we are.. We fight, we don't always agree, we find each other pigheaded & its usually when people are around but that is the way WE love each other. Being able to go to the store where I know people in my sweats, with no makeup looking like hell basically.. Is HUGE for me, huge, but again liberating.

Don't get me wrong, it still eats me up not to be able to do this because that is my first instinct to make it look swell, make everything honky Dorey.. Cover it up, don't let anyone know.

I don't know when it started.. yeah maybe I do, I was young... Elementary school probably.
But it progressively got worse as I got older.

I was thinking about it this morning as I was cleaning my house before I go to the doctors.. Why was I cleaning??I just cleaned yesterday... it was not until I asked myself this question out loud that I realized it was because that I always think before I leave the house, if someone was to break in ever, I at least want them to think I had a nice house. SICK, I know. & it was this morning as I was running over my list of things I wanted done in case anyone broke in, I was like OH MY GOD, I have serious issues. Admitting it is the first step.....

Anyways.. I am slowing fixing the inside & in this process I am able to show the cracks on the outside.. There is still some work to do, a lot of work to do I would imagine. But its nice to be able to be who I really am and be that person proudly.

Quick thought...

I was just talking to my cousin Jay via instant messenger. ( Nicknames not need be said for certain members of the family would be appalled by them but you know what is you *#@^! ... )

This has been our way of communicating while he has been serving in the army.. & thank god for it or I would have lost my mind not talking to him.

Anyways.. he will be home soon, very soon ..... & the more I think about it the happier I am, excited, maybe even giddy for lack of better words... Let the chaos commence.. Loveeeesss, Kissessss... Count down time!!

Sometimes an all night argument is healthy

I know everybody tends to write about happy & upbeat things, but life isn't always that way. Sometimes the not so "Disney" version of things need to be aired.

So Friday night comes & I am already agitated by the time Pat walks through the door. He is late, I am over tired, dinner was cold, & all I wanted was to spend time with him before 9.

Alyssa happened to be at a friends house having a sleep over. We try not to fight or yell when she is home, its not healthy for her to hear & we are VERY aware of that. So because she is always home things tend to bottle up.

As soon as the poor man walks through the door, I lose it & for once he lost it back.

We argued, we cried, we yelled, we cursed, we screamed, slammed doors, took breaks in separate rooms, I locked myself in the bathroom a few times, even curled up in a ball crying on the kitchen floor, there were a few times even he grabbed me & held me cause I was crying so hard, or picked me up like a groom carrying a bride over the threshold & just held me & I held him right back, all the while still arguing of course.

(I did this even when I was younger, don't know why it's was always a corner in the bathroom)

We both argued about stuff that was bothering us, stuff the other one did, stuff that life has thrown at us, situations that have occurred, feelings, bills, money, lifestyles, of course I was told I was spoiled & should move back to Long Island throughout the whole argument but don't think I didn't have a few repetitive things to call him & a few places to tell him to go, cause I did.
Don't think for a second Pat is soft on me cause I am a female. He is brutally honest & I love that about him, & he loves (he's told me) that I can give it right back & I dont sugar coat things for feelings sake.

But regardless of all the screaming, crying & carrying on.. There was one thing we both kept saying among our self inflicted chaos. I love you, I couldn't imagine my life without you, I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you.

Though I don't think either one of us heard that, I mean really heard it in the moment.

But after 4 hours & finally coming to a point where we both yelled what we had so desperately needed to say for a while now, we were able to sit & talk.

Pat & I always end up in the front room. Now anyone who knows our house know there is nothing in there, it is basically the mudroom & wood stove room. But here we were 3am sitting on the floor talking, laughing, & for the first time in a long time actually communicating.

Eventually Pat sat on the computer chair & pulled me on his lap & while hugging me, he kissed my forehead & it was then I knew he understood why I was so upset & I felt for the first time in a while that everything would be OK. How could it not? When you have love, a love that tests the waters as much as ours & still always comes out afloat, you are one of the lucky ones.

There is nothing better than a good healthy get it off your chest & clear the tension in the air argument followed by going to bed with a simple I love you & the man you love arms around you.

( Of course the baby woke up about 40 minutes after I went to bed...LOL. )

Going home is bittersweet

I get to go down to the city tomorrow to see the family & my girls...

I don't know why but its like Christmas morning for me whenever I know I am going back home for a few days... It's a very much needed mental break & emotional recharge.

I start making plans the week before so I am sure to reserve time with everyone since I know how busy everyone is lately. It seems like all my girlfriends are booked months in advance. I call my cousins, my siblings, all local family to ensure that I get the most out of my 2 days there, before I have to return home (Westbrookville) where I live & be lonely.

That's how I feel when I am here, I am always happy to return after a very hectic & chaotic 2 days of seeing everyone I know & love... but then after I re-coop, I am lonely...

Saying goodbye is the worst... I hate leaving & do anything I can to prolong it, I am always like OK I am leaving in the morning, then morning comes & I push it till 2, then 2 comes & I push it till 7.... Cause you know traffic starts at 4 & lets up around 7 .. or so I tell myself so that getting home at 10pm is justified

It's cause I know I am leaving the people I love the most & who love me... & I know when I leave they will all still be sitting in Nanny's house bullshitting, drinking tea & just being together, something I probably have always cherished more than any single one of them & something I long for once I see more trees on my drive than buildings. It's funny, I am elated everytime I am going there & I always seem to have to fight back the tears & urge to turn around on the way home. I always tell myself once you hit the tappan zee bridge there is no turning back... So I fight with myself the whole ride till that point not to turn around & run into their house to give Nanny one more hug.

I miss just being able to pop in to see Nanny & Poppy, or having Sunday "church" with my Noodlebug... ( every Sunday watching extreme makeover, desperate housewives..etc after I made dinner for us) Calling up my Meggers to go out on Saturday night & knowing that it will probably take craziness to the next level even more so than the last time. Stopping by Aunty's just cause its on the way to where ever else I am headed. Quickly running to the mall to get an outfit or get my eyebrows & hair done.... Meeting up with Taryn to take the girls out. Stopping by Karen's out of the blue to see if she is still in the country & if she is, talking endlessly about anything & everything. Going over to my cousin Mary's or going out to some bar she found ladies night at so we don't have to pay for drinks... LOL. She always found SOME PLACE where everything was free. I miss sidewalks.. as silly as that may sound. Just being able to go out & walk around the neighborhood day or night just to get some air. I miss being able to just get in the car & go to the beach, anytime, any season... This is where I find my tranquility. Just to be able to see the ocean I feel calm. Sunday morning bagels after a night out... Rainy nights going to blockbuster & ordering in any kind of food & having it delivered. Weekends where Alyssa was with her Dad, just heading up to McGorey's, I could go alone cause there was always someone there I knew... That is my Cheer's.

It's just that when I am back home, I feel like myself... I feel warm & calm, I feel confident, cause I know my surroundings & can find everything, I feel more freedom because I know I can leave to do anything & have friends to do it with. I even feel prettier when I am there as ridiculous as that may sound.

Here I just sit, & sit & sit... Pat works a lot and the train ride makes his days even longer & other than him I am pretty much friend-less. The highlight is grocery shopping or going to get the mail. But I do sooo look forward to Saturdays with his family its always fun!!

I am not saying that it is better there than here.. I am not saying I want to move back.. I just miss it is all... I miss the simple things that I enjoyed there & the people I enjoyed them with.

I wish I could have both... It really is bittersweet to go back.. I soo look forward to going but I hate leaving. I feel like I am missing out.

I cant wait till the summer so I can stay for weeks if I want.... I keep joking with Pat that I am going to live there for the summer & I will come visit him on the weekends, maybe, we'll see...